mommas

When you start here:

where can you go?


Maybe I should just stop. Let you soak it in. I've been drawn into that photo over and over again the last few days, wishing I could reach in and wrap those babies in my arms. But that hug wasn't for me, it was theirs, love from a brother to a sister. I'm just the lucky momma that was lurking close enough to catch a baby should he fall off the jungle gym...or catch this moment.


Maybe I have a few more for you...maybe I can go here:





Sometimes there just aren't words. Pain leaves a blinding white hole in the part of your brain where words should be. Grief smothers thoughts and words with the heaviest of weights , leaving only tears. Joy fills your brain with a massive jumble of words that fail to exit in any coherent manner.


That was this weekend. Joy...pure joy. There were times this weekend that I found myself suddenly and unexpectedly panicked that a person can only have so many of these moments... and aren't I surely getting close to my lifetime maximum? I did some quick math in the bathroom of Pazzaluna. If I live to be 85 (reasonable enough given the longevity in my family) I will still only have 46 years of this life left. That can't be enough time.


Enough time for nights like this:

Ericka Marker Schapekahm

BEST NIGHT EVER. How many of those is one allowed in a lifetime? Thanks chica for organizing an amazing night. Love you.

Melanie D Schmidt I agree! Last night was so much fun, I can't wait to do it again ;)

Teresa Evans Yay! I cannot stop smiling! I think that we can repeat that recipe to many, many more!

Teresa Evans Oh and I love you to pieces!

Teresa Evans

I could not of asked for a better night last night . . . amazing friends, amazing dinner, amazing theatre! I have perma-smile today! Thanks to all who came out. Those who missed out we will be doing it again for Panic at Park Square!

Barrett Evans

Weekend filled with yummy food (in belly and on stove and soon on the grill), the best of friends and family, plus theatre! Pure awesomeness.

No pictures of this night, but I could show you about 10 more Facebook posts that would add color to the story of our Saturday night in the city. Believe it or not, there are some things that trump getting "the shot." Like a pretty dress and sassy heels, big hair and heavily lined eyes. Sometimes a girl has to get tarted up a bit and a giant orange camera bag does NOT complete the look.


Running around the city, from restaurant to the theater, post performance chat with the director and actor, back to restaurant for late night happy hour. If you live in the city for no other reason, this is it. You can ditch the pony tail and yoga pants and become very cool in the time it takes to drive downtown. I love it. It is the perfect ying to my South Dakota yang. And to do it up with fellow So Dakers makes it even better. We may not cross paths in the cities very often, but when we do there aren't awkward moments of getting reacquainted, just jumping all in for the experience of the night. I think it is the SD connection that allows that to happen and I think it's magic. And then POOF...we are home, scrubbing off makeup at 2am, heels abandoned in the car, Spanx on the stairs, husband passed out on top of the bed covers, me praying he will stop snoring and the baby will sleep past 5am. But if he doesn't...it's okay...it was worth it.


Thank you to that group for always welcoming us in and making us feel like rock stars.


Not to be outdone by a Saturday night in the city, Sunday had some magic in store for us as well.


Our girls. Let me just tell you what our 11 & 14 year old daughters wanted to do Sunday:

• go to the nursery to pick out pepper & tomato plants
• garden
• work in the yard
• fabric trip for sewing projects (did that)
• make strawberry shortcake (did that)
• watch the rest of Jaws (did that)
• go for a family walk (did that)
• to the park (oh we did that)

I'm not sure what other 11 & 14 year old girls ask to do on the weekend, but I loooooove how mine roll. 


The family walk to the park begins:



Here is what I dig about this photo:


Annika - Dainty pink  flower Wellies, even though there isn't a lick of rain, prancing around in the grass, on the fringe, away from the baby stroller or the dog (i.e. work.)  The Aries...she needs to be free to flit and flutter as she sees fit.


Brandon - Signature brown hoodie. Strolling with his buddy, playing real life flash cards "CAR!" "BIRD!" "DOG!" Patient as the day is long with chatter box girls.


Autumn - My capable trustworthy Capricorn. In charge of the dog. Confident she is a dog whisperer. Confident in her new flaming red hair. The other mother in our house, monitoring cleaning projects, grocery needs and siblings.  My right hand, my old soul.


As pleasant a teenager as Autumn is...she is still a 14 year old girl.  And my request for a photo is usually met with a sigh and massive eye roll.  So, Saturday during morning chores, I ambushed her while she was cleaning my bathroom.  Boxed her in and got some photos!  




Those are the ones I am allowed to use.


Back to the park.
The first park trip of the spring. No words. But more photos, and even the teenager was down for some real shots. Drunk on sunshine I tell you, we all were.









I've said that Liam calls all three of us girls "momma" and it's true he does. If you show him a photos of all of us and ask where Autumn or Annika is, he will point at the correct beautiful face. But if you show him a photo and ask "who is that" his answer for any one of us is always "momma." Every single time I hear his little voice say that about my girls, I have to stifle a flood of tears that threaten to flow. I just can't imagine the love he must feel every day, from the moment he stirs in the morning to the last kiss he gets at night.  


Where Autumn had the awkward, overprotective, love of a first time mother, and Annika had the hectic love of a career mom shared with her sister...Liam has the undivided love and attention of his sisters.  I have arranged my life to better accommodate my mommy responsibilities...my mommy joys.  And Brandon...well he just wouldn't make choices that cut into family time. Liam came along at just the right time, lucky baby.


And while Autumn is most definitely the closest thing he has to a mother besides me, Annika is his constant companion. Those two...well...there are no words.





He is her constant shadow. He lives to be where she is, do what she does, make her laugh.  

Always just one step behind her...


Or at least trying his hardest...



Partners in crime. Annika sneaks him chocolate, crashes cars with him, snuggles in for a movie, hops in the tub with him and brings him into her bed early in the morning.



I am frequently overwhelmed with gratitude for being chosen to mother these babies. How is it possible that the girl that loudly and persistently declared she was never having children, would be given the opportunity to bring these divine creatures in the world and watch them grow. Watch them learn to love and experience love in return?

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you,
as you are to them.

~Desmond Tutu

chill'n like bob dylan

We've taken the month of April off, cancelled every road trip, every outing.  It's a grand experiment to see if there really is a virus that lives in our van, that is only activated upon crossing into South Dakota.  Every time we go, we are sick for a week after.  It's an automatic 5 day weekend whether we planned it or not.  Usually it's Liam, but I get in there with my stupid back once in a while too.  I understand why people travel with their own pillows.  I hate that I understand it, but I do.  I wish I could travel with my own bed.


But I digress.


The moratorium on travel.  My family needs to heal.  Needs to just be home, each live their own lives, with their own activities.  Autumn can play softball, spend Sunday's with her friends at the coffee house.  Annika can go mud bogging in her Wellies with Liam...or without.  Brandon can work on projects, take a couple of contract jobs and know I'm not going to insist he be somewhere for days at at time.  I can book a couple of spring sessions with people I've been putting off since October.  We need to rediscover our true selves, buried beneath one million inches of snow for months now. 


Home is good.  Home is where the heart is.  I happen to have two homes, one here and one in South Dakota.  Right now, we need this home.  We need to recharge.  Our bodies and our minds.


I made a million doctor appointments.  Pediatricians, dentists, veterinarians.  I scheduled meetings with teachers, daycare providers, my boss and the groomer.


I've walked the dog every other day.  He is morbidly obese and needs to lose 27 pounds yes another victim of the raging winter.  The walks are doing wonders for both of us. The sunshine is intoxicating.  I've never loved the sunshine so much. Never. It's almost like it's the first time I'm experiencing it.


Healing my body.  The 20 vials of blood and xrays told us I am fixable.  I do not have Lupus or Lyme disease.  I have a fantastical vitamin D deficiency which dominoes into other issues.  A couple of weeks on a variety of things to boost up my D, B12, Calcium and some naproxen to take the edge off the pain and Dr. says I will be a new person.  I'm a week in.  It's 10:26pm and I'm awake typing without tears.  It may be working.


Healing my mind.  Dr. says that just because I spend all day talking doesn't mean I'm really talking about things I need to.  Who knew?  A few years ago, a Target peer bought me a shirt that said:

"I know...let me drop everything and help you with your problems."

Great HR shirt.  I don't blog about it, for a variety of reasons, but my job is very stressful.   I work in an environment that frequently leaves me unable to reach a goal.  Usually to help someone else enjoy their work. That can be alot to carry around if you are me, and you want to help them.   I wish I could not give a shit, but I do.  Healing my mind = find someone for me to talk to.  Done.


And the most effective healing of mind and body for all?  Spending time as a family.  Spending time just being the nerd herd.


Sunrise with Autumn, first morning hugs.  Quiet conversations with my 14 year old little woman.  Today we discussed books. It is such a good time for us. 


First morning laughs with Liam.  He wakes up laughing almost every morning.  He injects energy into sleepy mornings.  Somehow he knows to let Autumn and I do our thing and brings his little boy magic at just the right time. 


Late night cuddles with Annika.  We go to bed together almost every night and it ends one of two ways:
"mom...can you go into your bed?  You are making me sweaty."  or "Annika, go into your bed so your dad can come to bed."  But the going to bed is perfection, her face next to mine.


And all day with my sweet husband and his gentle push to do ...nothing.  Wicked little smile, urging me to just chill out.  But...but...but!  I protest.   His answer "there's no time."  There is time, but let's use it to plan what cutting flowers to plant in our garden.


So yeah...the pictures.  They are chill.  They are us being home.  Just being.


Ask anyone who knows him.  Heck, anyone who has ever met him.  This is the most laid back guy you will ever meet.



Like father...like son.



His favorite meal of the day is "after school snack."  I know it ruins his real dinner, but it's sooo cute I can't say no.



Someone is a super fan of Superman.

This really needs audio for you to understand how stink'n cute it is.  He loves flashcards.  LOVES them.  And he knows what all this stuff is and what sounds they make.  But, he has to yell "Whatda!" and pick each one up before he can just tell you.

"WHATDA!!!"

The BOOTS!!!

Annika's 11th Birthday was the 12th.  My little Aries heart was so easy to please.  Keylime pie and fix her computer.  We threw in a new game for her. She is such a family girl.


Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles... B is for bubbles.






First bubble he's ever made!  



And there they are folks!  The great healers of my mind, body and soul. The Monkeys.



Bath time should be relaxing for everyone involved:P







It's quiet here.  



T minus 17 days until the moratorium on travel is lifted.  And there are people waiting.  God bless them.  17 days to soak this in before life becomes hectic again.  17 days...Shhhhhh.  There's no time.  

I'm Ron Burgandy?

For someone as tech savvy and gadget nerdy as I am, until very very recently, I knew very little about blogs and blogging.  Shockingly little as it turns out.  Clearly, I'd heard of blogging but my exposure to "blogs" was restricted to political commentary.  I had no clue there were legions of regular shmoes like me, firing up Blogger or Word press templates every day and sending pieces of themselves out in to the universe.  I enjoyed my smart political blogs and gave the medium absolutely no thought.  Until one day...


I ran across a link in a Babycenter  post that transported me to Florida, into a hospital, into a delivery room to be specific.  I sat at my desk at work, sobbing as I read the most poetic, heart wrenching, inspiring birth story ever.  And as moving as her words were, her photos were nothing short of a gift.  Thus began my love affair with this mommy and her lovely lovely family.  I have fallen as madly and deeply in love with her photos and stories as one can on the inter webs, without ever having actually met the person.  Her blog was and still is what I wait for every 3 days or so...coffee in hand...bated breathe...will there be a new post?!@?!??!!?!??!


Fast forward to today.  The blogosphere is overwhelming.  It is massive.  It is intimidating.  It is full of talented individuals, smart individuals, competitive individuals.  I'm totally lost in it, in the lingo:

mommy blogger

photoblog

product reviews

blog awards

BlogHer

buttons

Ad Sense

And I'm lost in the stories and in the strength of these "mommy bloggers"... the strength to tell their stories.  Stories of domestic abuse, the loss of a child, infertility, faith in their God, addiction, special needs children...survival.  But not just survival.  In their writing, there are always inspiring tales of renewal and optimism.  I am humbled by my sisters' strength.  

I am coming out of a bit of a blog identity crisis.  I think I overloaded on blog stalking and started to fear that what I do hear isn't edgy enough, too vanilla.  Not enough brutal honesty and swears.  I'm playing it safe, I need to let out my pain and anger and invite the world to be part of my healing.  I need to take risks and throw myself "out there."  These other women bloggers are changing the world one post at a time!  They are shining a light on important issues, telling important stories, helping people heal.  What am I doing?  


I came here innocently enough, just to tell the stories behind my photos.  Silly daily life stories of my vanilla, regular old family who I find quite inspiring. But what about my pain and anger?  Get it out there man.


Except...I don't have a great deal of pain or anger.  And what tragedy has struck in the last year has indeed found it's way here in ways that feel very honest and natural to me.  I haven't soft peddled my sadness or grief, it's all right there.  When I sit down to write and share photos, I typically come from a  peaceful place, a safe and content place I want to share with the universe.


I'm not edgy:(  I'm happy:)  So be it.  Identity crisis over (for now.)  


Is there a blog award for "most cheesy, happy, rainbows and butterflies" blog?


I'm back to cooking.  My junk food run was epic though and I will always look back on it with fond, fond memories.  Wanna know pain?  Breaking up with Five Guys and The Wreck from Pot Belly...that is pain my friend.





I hoard Food and Wine Magazines. Since 2002. At one time it was to save the recipies. I have been making a puttanesca base from June 2006 F & W for 5 years now. It has become "my" puttanesca over the years, but full disclosure...it belongs to Food and Wine.





But now they send out one hard back book full of the recipes from the entire year at the end of each year. This is a sexy book to be sure, but there is something about the actual issues that I cannot let go of. I love having then.  Someday my kids may be cleaning hundreds of F & W magazines out of my bathroom...hoarder style.


I love books. I love my bookshelf in the morning light. I'm a dork.





The family is also back to going outside.  Thank the Gods!  Liam thinks his garage sale Wellies are the coolest thing ever.  He walks around the house with them in hand looking for a kind adult to help him put on his "boots?"  He also is kind enough to bring yours so that you can go outside and stomp around in the dog poop mud.  Thanks Aunt TT:)

Last year at this time, Lumski couldn't walk!  These first "walking around outside" adventures are the bomb!

Trying to make himself HUGE in his new big world.

Baby Calvin is also thrilled with the arrival of spring and the disappearance  of infrequent, hurried walks.  

My girls are so in love with their brother.  The three of them are thick as thieves, disappearing together in the morning, sneaking in the room to grab him and go.  They devour him and he is starry eyed, smitten with both of them.  I didn't know this would happen.  When deciding to ad another child to our family 10 years after my "baby" was born, I thought about alot of things that could go wrong.  Clearly I hoped, actually assumed the girls would love a new sibling.  But this...I had no idea.  Often times I have to demand they leave so I can have his attention.  He calls all three of us "Momma" and that is just fine.


My cup runneth over.











Sick baby is not amused...



People are often confused by what my husband does for a living. What exactly does a 3D artist do? This...

Who says men can't multitask?  

Tonight was bath night...always a good time.  But the real fun was Liam practicing his "angry baby" face in the mirror for 10 minutes.  I can't wait to see when he pulls this one out.


I'm off to build a little nest next to my hubby, snuggle in and pass out.  It was a good night.  


Yours in peace, love and contentment:) 


Fricka