I've lost my mojo and I am desperate to get it back. January is gone, but while it was here is took alot from me. It took all my energy and most of my reserve. It took my feeling of safety and security. It took a little of my faith and optimism.
My intention was to write a "Happy New Year!" blog on February 1st to get a much needed do over to the start of 2011. But last night when I sat down to write it...there was no energy. I wanted it to magically return when I turned the page on January, but found it had not. I can rally my energy and optimism for about half a day but I can't sustain it. That frustrates me, it's not me. I feel like a car in this bitter winter cold, with a dead battery. As long as I can get a boost from someone else, I can run for a while, but as soon as I stop it's done. And there are hours during the day when not even jumper cables work...I just can't turn over. So, I'm trying to keep those jumper cables attached to me, because I need them and I know that very very soon, their boost is going to turn over my engine and off I'll go!
Jumper cables:
Birthday parties!!!
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| Hey birthday boy...why so hesitant to accept your birthday kiss? |
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| From Do Over Blog |
Last Friday was a much needed, perfect jump start. Our first birthday party of the new year, the first gathering of the peeps. Because it was Barrett's birthday, and because we all hadn't been together like this since before Maria passed away, there were tears at this birthday party. But they were good tears, of support and love perfectly mixed with smiles and laughter. It feels like this is how it is supposed to be and will be for some time to come.
Other than the party night, I haven't picked up my camera much. For a long time now the world has had sparkly fairy dust on it and I've been wandering around with my camera and my little brown notebook, desperate to keep up with it's beauty. Desperate to chronicle the stories of each day. My awe and admiration for these everyday gifts is sincere and it is still there, but right now the sparkle is less bright...harder to notice. And when I do catch it I find myself staring, trying to burn the moment into my memory, no time to get my camera. I've developed some anxiety around forgetting or missing moments because for the first time in my life I am experiencing what it is to lose them. I've lost the opportunity for more moments with two people I love dearly this year.
The sparkle is not gone and I've caught it a few times.
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| Liam's little "work centers" are in every room of the house. |
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| From Do Over Blog |
And Barret caught it big time ...
But I do find myself waiting for an ending...some definitive ending to this funk. What will it be? I've been recalling the "funk free" days of the past, the ones chock full of sparkle.
Will spring be my savior?
Summer?
I know I feel ready for a summer party:) I'm ready to make paper flowers and send evites.
Do I just need a silly day trip with my babies and Brandon?
Or maybe just more of these guys...these moments. Maybe I just need to snap out of it, stop searching and just look around me again. Because really, while everything has changed...nothing has changed, the sparkle, the stories, the unbelievable gift that is my life is still there.
It's crazy to me that this is what I do for a living ... drive change. I'm an Human Resources professional and I excel at two things:
"Building a team people love to be on" and "Driving Change"
and yet here I sit...spinning. I've been recalling all the conversations about adjusting, learning, growing, stretching yourself, adapting, embracing change. All the team members I've helped move on, keep forging forward in a new way! Ohhh the irony.
But it's all good. I can feel it now, a buzz right below the surface. Soon the fog will lift and the smoke will clear. I will look around and see the blinding beauty is still there. The sparkle...there it is right there.
And was isn't there, what was lost on two Sundays...one in October and one in January is surely not lost at all, but likely dispersed all around us. The love and laughter of two stunning women, their energy unleashed into the universe.
2 comments:
Love the imagery and the depth. Thanks for sharing a piece of your soul and may you be renewed daily by life. It's ours to hold, to crasp and to keep albeit for only a short time in these cosmos. YOU are FRICKA...don't stop!
Honey, its still there! We will find it again.............we will find the " new normal"!
Loved your blog, as usual! :)
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