6.18.2012
Before I forget...
I remember when I was in college and was blissfully aware that what I was doing, the life I was living, my insanely intense focus on being "in the moment" was just a blip on life's radar. I knew that. So I lived it man. I loved like I was going to get hit by a townie on my way to lab. I partied like it was 1999. I learned...everything...all of it...anything. I was a sponge. And I knew, always I knew, it was a blip.
One of the greatest joys during those 4.5 years was realizing that I had $5.00 left in my checking account and could indeed go to mug night. Remember...every experience was equal then, they all had potential to change my life, everything had promise of something amazing. Even mug night at the Safari Lounge. Five $1.00 mugs of beer may lead to nirvana.
I share this only because just now, I was teary eyed in my kitchen. I was overwhelmed by a surge of joy. The love of my life is on his way home from work in Sioux Falls, an hour away. He picked up our girls from a visit with a very different, very young love of my life, my x husband. They are coming home. For the record, I am a firm believer in the idea that one can have more than one "love of your life." I've had three. Love is not a "one and done" deal. Life often fucks with love and sometimes, love conquers all. But other times, "all" conquers love and we are left with nothing but tattered pieces of our hearts, damaged and mourning the loss, but most importantly, with an opportunity to learn how to love better.
Anyway, I'm thumbing through my favorite recipe books for a recipe for the fresh cod I picked up for tonight. One worthy of the WELCOME HOME I have in my head. I'm sipping on my absolute favorite Cab and Pirates of The Caribbean is on. Don't underestimate how important that last part is. It could be Edward Scissor Hands, or The Fifth Element, or The Color Purple or The Big Labowski or any of the Lord of The Rings movies. It could be a lot of movies, but having one of my favorites spontaneously appear on regular TV while I'm cooking is tear worthy.
And for a second I laughed out loud at how our greatest joys change as we move through life. Having 5 bucks was just as joyful as this is, it really was. I love that I can remember the joys of all the phases of my life so far.
And that my friends....is how my brain works when I'm cooking on a Monday.
6.26.2012
Anytime I think about blogging these days, it's a frantic rush to write down what is in my head. Often times I'm not making it, I'm not getting this stuff down and when I do it sounds more like:
"Dear Diary, today I washed my car and vacuumed it out REAL good. Also, I like cheese."
Delete.
I just plopped down to wax poetic about my perfect toast colored music festival tan and how seeing Tool for the 4th time felt just like falling in love for the first time. But my first pass at that sentiment read like:
"Dear Diary. This weekend I went to a concert in a park and I saw Tool again and it was good and I got a tan even though I used sunblock and Tool played all my favorite songs and I was close to the stage but this guy was mad cuz I kept hitting him in the head while I rocked my face off."
Delete.
Is this what writer's block is? I didn't think a blogger could get writer's block. I still have my kids, my dog, my husband, my wine addiction, my cookbook fetish, my love of changing seasons, my dance parties... blah blah blah. And I'm still all rainbows and giant colorful balloons & confetti happy about the goings on in my life. Whats missing are the words to tell you about it. I've lost them.
I'm pretty sure they are at the bottom of the stinky softball bag with an old diaper and some damp daycare shorts.
11.26.2012
"Deary Diary. Today I was driving to work and was slapped in the face with a story about a girl who refused to let age or social norms dictate the activities in life that would bring her joy. A super awesome cool girl who recognized that each stage of her life had value and importance and should not be diminished, forgotten or wished away. And then...I realized I had already started this story and locked in away in an unpublished blog post from the summer of writer's block."
True story. And as I was cruising to work, 70 mph on SD roads, trying to record my inspiration on my iphone's dicta phone thingamagjig I realized I'd written this story already, or at least the beginning of it.
For those of you trying to figure out if this is a flashback or foreshadowing, it's ...just...me. Spoiler alert...I'm that girl. And my inspiration this morning, driving at dangerous speeds on isolated SD roads, was my actually coming up for air after 2 months of pretty amazing moments. Some grown up professional and adult like, some hedonistic, free for all shaking off of said adulthood. And I was sort of reveling in my ability to do that, to live on both sides of the fence. To be a respected professional, a fairly "good kid" to my parents and a free spirit all at the same time.
Do not mistake this for boasting, it's not. It's a very calculated lifestyle, it's a refusal to move too far in either direction. Too far into socially unacceptable "slacker" and you miss the very real bonus points for financial stability, professional respect and the amazing high that comes along with being really good at something society deems valuable. But, too far into big time serious, get over yourself, career focused adulthood and you miss out on...life. Like the whole, entire, rest of your life. So sad. So scary to think about.
If I had to protect one or the other, it would not be the hyper adulthood life. Surprised? I like it, but if one had to go...that'd be the one.
But then I'd want to live modern communal style. Self sustaining farm, animals, home school, "it takes a village" style living. With gadgets of course. In my mind, modern communal living includes being on the grid.
So after several months of too much in one direction, I just righted the ship...big time (can I say "big time" without sounding like a d-bag?) Here's how it breaks down:
"Tomorrow may rain so...I'll follow the sun". The Beatles
