waiting for a sign

I played a little hookie today.  Yesterday was the kind of work day that makes a Human Resource professional experience seller's remorse for ever recruiting anyone to work in their company.  It's almost over.

So today I spent the afternoon alone.  All by myself, by design.  I watched two documentaries and cried from 12pm to 3pm.  It was beautiful.

Very well known fact:  I am terrible at having a career. I'm good at building one, but I feel like I pay a price.    I'm terrible at making "making money" a priority.  While I do not like having debt, I prefer to have just enough to have the things you need and a few you want.  More than that complicates things.  Messes with your priorities...fogs them up.

I say this because another known fact is that I have always felt the urge to do something...BIG.  Something BIG for others. Watching those documentaries today brought that back to the forefront of my mind.  In both, the individuals had transformed their lives from ones of comfort and excess to enough and altruism.  In both cases, they took years to take the leap, to give up the lifestyle they had.  "Finally I knew, that if I didn't I'd regret it for the rest of my life."  That made me feel good.  It is a nagging feeling within me, this feeling that I'm not quite on the right track.  But I believe I will know when to change course, I will get a calling of sorts.  I just know there is something out there that I'm supposed to do.

Does anyone else feel this way?

For now I funnel that energy into my kids.  And recently photography has been an area where I can do something for people.  People who cannot afford expense photo shoots, but who want to capture the beauty of their family.  Or their children.  Or themselves.  The size of my heart expands ten fold when I'm shooting someone (EEEK!  Is there a better way to say that?)  I have a shoot tomorrow and I'm all warm and tingly planning for it.

Not much to say tonight.  Just a little spill over from a kind of emotional afternoon alone.  I feel like hugging the universe, smiling at the world.  I'm full up with cheese.

And my husband is coming home tonight.  I'm beaming.

Some photos left over from May to take us into a weekend.

Texting Uncle Barrett

Window are is totally cool at our house.

Liam has decided that taking his toys OUT of the toy box is dumb.

Add caption

Miss Annika "Willow" loves her trees:) 

Have a great Friday night!

light

Spring has sprung



And it's all we can do to stay on task. Stay inside, even when it's raining.






Stay on task and clean or do laundry. Not when there are tulips growing in our side yard...and green grass to run on.









Vegetarian grilling extravaganzas to have.






It's spring and that change thing is in high gear. It happens ever year and there is a tremendous amount of comfort in it. We always know how we'll spend the first few weekends searching for the perfect heirloom tomato plants. Searching for the most organic way to weed our yard and water our gardens (got my first rain barrel last summer.) New peppers to plant, choose flowers for our cutting garden. In the summertime, I will show up on your doorstep with flowers in a mason every time you ask me to visit. There are few things I enjoy more in the summer than growing, cutting, arranging and gifting fresh flowers.


BUT we are in a holding pattern this year. We are putting things in boxes instead of the ground. Covering garden spots with mulch instead of compost. We are preparing to leave instead of stay and harvest our summer's work. It's all happening so fast.


I fancy myself a bit of a nomad. I get the urge to go about every 5 years. I warned Brandon of this urge about 2 months into our relationship. He said it was cool and that he was down for it.


We've moved about every 2 years since then, always anxious to press on to the next bit. Staying put has always felt like a straight jacket to me. Why stay put when there is the world to live in?


But...we got married. Bought this house. This house that is perfect for us. When people visit us here, they often say "this house is so...you guys." And it is. We found out we were pregnant in this house's kitchen. Brought our baby boy home to his house...our house. Brandon build a deck and fixed the plumbing. The girls finally met some "neighborhood" friends who's parents we know and run into at the grocery store.


When this happened, my dear sweet husband said "I just want some stability for a while, some peace."


This weekend we started packing. And he is still down for it. 


And I am too, but it is so much harder this time. Who knew I'd ever feel at home somewhere? Surely not me. And I know that with my family, we will make a new home in South Dakota. But we have such a wonderful home here, for the first time I'm scared of what is next. Excited, but scared.


Brandon moves in two weeks. Scary.


My tough girl Autumn has such a heavy heart about leaving the first group of close friends she has ever had.






Miss Annika is right now living that bullshit middle school mean girl drama. She is both thrilled to leave the bully behind and scared to death there will be a worse one waiting in the unknown.



I am tired of 5th grade girl politics.


Thankfully, us girls get better with age.  God bless my girlfriends! My big girls, the ones that keep my head straight when these worries worm their way into it. My big girls are the standard I hold up to my baby girls, my promise to them that someday, your best girlfriends will love and inspire you regardless of close or far away you are from them. They just know when you need them and what you need.


Witness the email I got today:

"You totally have to take chances! I think it will be a great move for your family, the ones under your roof and the ones you are going to. I LOVE moving, the new space and place and town and people. It's so exciting! I loved Minneapolis when I was there, but there is something about leaving the big city behind and heading back to your roots, to the small community and the basics. Less traffic, less noise, stress is simple and so are the people. There is always love in my heart for the city and the people I left behind there, but it's so exciting to go back and take a trip to where you spent happy hours that turned into all nighters, drunken theatre dates, started careers and ended them, met stupid boys and ditched them. Ahhh the memories. There is something to say about smaller towns and new opportunities. I don't think you will regret it. And if you feel it's the wrong choice, the roads will always lead you to where you are supposed to be. In the big city or on to your next small town.

Are you packed?"

Angie

Amen sister.  That is the truth of this adventure that lives in my heart and the truth that makes this move the right thing to do.  Thank you for doing the cheer today when I felt like maybe I was losing it:)


Who is this wise sage you ask?



So off I go, to pack my house, reassure my babies, cheer on my husband and find the new "me" at work.


Work...


You know you are a short timer when you start writing haiku poems about the people that live in the cubicles outside your office. As the HR Master of the Universe, there are much more pressing issues to address, but since I'm on the outs, I can dazzle my team with my non HR humor for the first time. People hate HR, but they really shouldn't. We have the best stories.  Just saying.


Before I wrap things up with fantastical photos of my Mother's Day, can I make a request?

Can giant purses please go out of style?  My "cute" giant purses keep eating the crap I put in them.  Half of which I don't need, but put in there because I can.  Like shoes...seriously I had shoes in my purse.  Who needs to do that?  And how gross.  I can't wait to see the look on someone's face when they ask to borrow chapstick and I reach in to my purse/shoe tree and grab it for them.  Rub it on your lips...no worries about where the bottom of my shoes have been lately.

Whew. Thank you for indulging me that little gripe session.


Mother's Day was a dream. Even though I asked for a walk to the lake and a picnic and it rained all day. How selfish of Mother Nature.  All that meant was that my husband (who is so cool) took it up a notch to deliver something grand on a rainy Mother's Day.


He assembled my new studio lighting kit.

The "beginner" kit for the super rookie photographer. We emptied the dining room and set up the whole damn thing.


I present...the first studio shoot of my career. The Schapekahms.









I even got in some shots, a real test of the lighting:)

Perfect

It's not easy, but it's fun. We'll see how this studio stuff goes. While I practice with fake lights, I'm still going to shoot in my favorite natural light spot...our shower.






So if you come to my house for some photos...don't think twice when I direct you to get into the shower with me;P


Peace XOXOXOXOX

good enough

On this...the last day of our month off, I had planned a blog about lessons learned during this time.  Or perhaps one about preparing to inject ourselves back into society.  Or about our new path and how everything happens for a reason and unbeknownst to us...this month off happened because we would need clear minds and refreshed bodies for unexpected challenges to come.


I'm sure any one of them would have been fine...I have it all jammed in my head and that is how these posts get life...a dump of what is in my head, my heart, my camera.


But then, I received the first guest blog submission.  And it left me feeling a little exposed.  As if she wrote it for me, to explain why I ducked out of the world the last 30 days.  


Everything happens for a reason. 


You've seen her face here a million times.  I rarely use names.  If you recognize her face, you know her...probably by a nickname you've affectionately given her.  If you don't, you can call her TT.  

She is my girl, my sister, my gestational partner.  She is strength and light and the most faith filled woman I know.  Optimism radiates from her, able to fill worried hearts with hope even in the worst of times.  Like all of us, she has things to say.


I'm thrilled she decided to take the leap and write and even more thrilled she decided to share it here:)

::
Something has been brewing in my mind for awhile . . .

Barrett: I want to live my life with variety.

Teresa: Yes, but let’s not kill ourselves trying.

When did we evolve into multi-tasking, “I can do it all” creatures.  It is not okay anymore to just be proficient in one thing.  So much, that each moment gets lost into the next trying to be, or say, or know.  We are a generation expected to be everything all at once.   In believing I am superhuman, each day I wake up with my own self expectation to be:

A brilliant mother, wife, sister, daughter, employee, friend

An expert in art, technology, pop culture, politics, fashion, finances

A good, honest, optimistic and faith-filled self

And those are just the “A” list.  There are also all the things that I dream to be brilliant at if I only had a few more moments.  There is the saying, “when life was simpler” and I believe that it must have existed and can exist in my life.   Not to the degree that life is stripped of the adventure, action and challenge but back to a time when I didn’t have to be brilliant at all things, all the time, all at once, every day.  I am over stimulated with choices and overwhelmed with guilt when I allow one of these expectations to slip.  It’s a lot to ask. Now I know that it is not healthy to compartmentalize my life, nor would it be fulfilling.  I want to feel, see, learn and ponder .   It is just like when Barrett and I go out to dinner, 9 times out 10 I convince him to order an array of appetizers instead of dinner because I want to taste all the flavors.  That is why I wouldn’t give up any of the things that are on the “A” list.  I enjoy every flavor that they add to my life. 

But when is it okay to admit failure, give something up or just abandon a task or hobby because it has become so overwhelming that  we no longer are best at the things that matter most in our lives? My frustration with this expectation isn’t solely selfish.  What I have begun to notice in those I admire the most is they are burning out.  That this internal “A” list we each have is weighing us all down and we are left some days with only enough energy to go to sleep.  I think we spend far too much time focusing on what we are not being instead of all the things that we are.  I want to inject satisfaction into people.  Make them feel comfort in knowing that the people who love them most only define them as brilliant and no one is focusing on their unwritten and unaccomplished to do list for that day.  We waste so much energy on this kind of thinking and does it really benefit us? 

When Maria died I wondered if I was too optimistic that I actually failed to notice the end.  I questioned that for a really long time (still do) that I might have made other choices our last Christmas, the weekends in SoDak, the phone calls, the emails.  But every time I come to the same conclusion, that if I had focused on what was to come or all the things I didn’t do, I would not have actually lived the moments we did make.  So my first lesson is to embrace my optimism as a gift. And the second is that I am back to believing that “when life was simpler” can exist right now within me.  But it doesn’t come without going against the grain.  The grain of my own being: my inner leader, striver, and goal seeker.  Not that these traits will ever disappear but I am going to introduce them to contentment and self pride and acceptance.  

ee

i say, and so say i
my morning thought
it knew itself just fine
until across the room
it caught its first glimpse of my afternoon
how can it be
that these things live in me?

i say, and so say i
my morning's day seems nothing like its night
my night so self assured
was all at sea when faced with dawns strange world
how can it be
that these things live in me?

How Can it Be? by Forever Thursday

TT

hunting

I got as far as opening the "New Post" tab in blogger last night, and one of my babies begged me to cuddle and watch our favorite show before she went to bed.  Annika and I became Law and Order SVU addicts while I was on maternity leave and are still trying to catch up by watching old seasons on Netflix.  I had no idea that this show has been around since before Annika was born. For a family that does not watch TV (we really don't...well except Sponge Bob...but he transcends regular TV) Annika and I are super fans of the SVU, regularly yelling at the TV, worrying about the victims and Stabler, Benson, Cragon, Munch.  We also have an ongoing contest, who can solve the crime first.   Anyway, I caved,  how could I resist? Season 1 Episode 18:)


Fast forward to 3:30am and I'm wide awake.  Tossing and turning, trying to focus on one of my favorite life stories to fall back to sleep.  Lately it's been Liam's birth story and it almost always comforts me back to sleep.  But today I'm excited, not stressed.  Today my future life story trumps the past and it is not going to let me go to sleep.  So here I am at 4:30 am, giving up the fight.


We've been fairly quiet about our plans.


We've been hunting for some answers, some solutions before we make anything official.


While our kids were readying for Easter and their Egg hunt, we've been doing our own version of the Easter Egg  hunt...only our "eggs" are a little more complicated:)


Bringing you up to speed in photos:


Our month off continues and we are just floating, like you do... on a tube down the river...beer included.  Big boom box as well and at the moment it's constantly playing Adele.  Where ever life takes us, we are going without planning for it.  If they kids ask us to take them somewhere to do something, we are saying yes because that is what this month is about.  Submerged in our nuclear family, following life's leads.


Softball game in the snow.

I'm sooo excited the girls are trying sports.  I love their artistic flair, acting and musical interests...but I'm super excited I get to see them sweat a bit too:) 

So far Liam is pretty "ehh" about going to his sister's events. He's a toddler...he must toddle and resents being confined to his stroller.  But we can't let him run around while we are distracted by RBIs and Autumn's killer plays on first base.  I mean...have you seen what happens to unsupervised kids on SVU?!?!?!?!?

Helping with school projects.  We do a lot of boards around here.  These are a great excuse for friends over 3 nights a week for dinner and sleep over on weekends.  You'd think they were curing cancer.  But  it's all good.  The truth is, I love their friends and they can hang here as much as they want.  It's good to be the "cool" house to hang out at and I'll make walking tacos like it's my job if it means my kids and their friends continue to trust us and come to us for help with projects or anything else they need.


We have strict rules in our house and yet it's like the kids don't notice or don't mind.  I got that skill from my mom who had me and my friends convinced that 10pm was a "late" curfew and being at her house was more fun anyway.  Thank God I got that skill.  Or is it a gene?  It may be the same gene that allows my mom to play the cheesy 70's organ and sing "The Girl From Ipanema."  My friends and I thought that was crazy cool.  They all still think she is the coolest, funniest mom ever.  Well played mom...well played.


I won't lie, there is a part of me that feels like I'm winning when I over hear "Your parents are so cool."

Regular old playtime is always good and we've been putting in alot of time in that area.  Lots and lots of floor time with baby boy and baby Cal.  Sometimes you just gotta take a vacation from being a working professional, a stressed out, boring old adult and just play with your stink'n kids...for a month.

And get others in on the action:

Liam shows Uncle Beef it's totally okay to color on the windows at our house.

And of course Easter and our various "hunts."  Traditional:

We've been getting a lot of these lately...tantrums.  And they are escalating quickly.  

Someone busted into the food coloring.  Actually two someones, Calvin ended up with blue mouth, Liam with red. It's like they planned it together because it all happened within a minute.  Oh well.  It was the only part of the Easter Egg dying he enjoyed.

We went with Neon Eggs this year... it was a good choice.

Easter was incredibly chill.  I have no photos because we just didn't really do anything.  We spent time outside, did the basket thing, ate yummy food.  But the big family was in Webster and the girls went to see other family is SD, so we lived by our April rules and really just relaxed.  Tough to obey the rules during a holiday, as you know normally I'd be high on the vibe of a road trip to the farm.  But it was good to be still.


And our hunt...the adult one...has been wildly successful.


Brandon found an incredible new job in Sioux Falls SD.


My parents found us an incredible new house in Vermillion SD.


I'm starting an unbelievable new journey with the family business, working with my Mom, Dad and brother.


We are moving back to SD in a few months.


We will miss the city...I can't think about that yet.


We will miss our family here...won't think about that yet.


But...we are ready to start this new adventure.