rambling flow of thought and speech

From Desk Reference to the Diagnostic Criteria from DSM-3-R (American Psychiatric Association, 1987):

Caffeine-Induced Organic Mental Disorder 305.90 Caffeine Intoxication

1. Recent consumption of caffeine, usually in excess of 250 mg. -  
2. At least five of the following signs:
   1. restlessness   
   2. nervousness 
   3. excitement
   4. insomnia  
   5. flushed face 
   6. diuresis
   7. gastrointestinal disturbance  
   8. muscle twitching
   9. rambling flow of thought and speech  
   10. tachycardia or cardiac arrhythmia  
   11. periods of inexhaustibility
   12. psychomotor agitation
3. Not due to any physical or other mental disorder, such as an Anxiety Disorder.

For three hours last Wednesday, I thought I was going crazy.  I sat on the floor of my basement with Liam.  He played cars and I cried.  At first he would hug me and say "oh baby."  But after about an hour, he just brought all his toys next to his mess of a mother in the middle of the floor, and played quietly.  


But I wasn't going crazy.  I was in the throws of a coffee house opening induced caffeine overdose.  The list is an accurate description of me those three hours.  By the time Brandon got home, I had convinced myself I could not go upstairs, because there was too much up there.  Too many responsibilities, too much noise, a cell phone that wouldn't shut up.  But the basement was quiet and peaceful, full of nothing but toys, my baby boy and me.   

rambling flow of thought and speech 

This dominated my caffeine psychosis and was the reason I just knew I had snapped and would never go back to being a fully functioning person.  There was no flow or organization of my thoughts. A flood of fears, spilling forth in tears and words.     Some completely irrational, some logical but out of my control (think...meteors slamming into earth) and some very raw fears of suddenly dying, leaving behind the people and life I love so much.


I felt deep sadness.


I felt lonely.

rambling flow of thought and speech 

My dear husband listened to me for an hour.  His always calming way brought some quiet to my mind and slowly, perspective returned. 

I don't know if everything happens for a reason, but I feel like it's true.  It may have been the caffeine overdose that started this flow of thought and speech.  But it DID start it, this purge.  And I feel a little lighter, having shed 3 hours of tears and sharing that rambling flow of thought and speech with my husband.  


This is my first experience with grief and the grieving process.  I had no idea there were so many levels to pass through on the way to a new normal.  That so many thoughts and feelings would become intertwined and pull new ones to the surface to deal with.  


I have always had a wicked hard candy shell to protect me from this stuff.  But this year has exposed a major crack in my armor.  Try as I might, I can no longer push aside feeling uncomfortable emotions, they will find me whether I like it or not.  And that is good.


::


Since my big OD I've experienced some old school peace.  Not the kind of the last year, hard earned and scarce.  
Nope, this was good old fashioned look up find it everywhere.  
Peace in:

Puppy eyes

Fall 

 

Winterizing the garden

Finding the perfect costume for Liam

Babies in Halloween costumes

Planning spring's colors Firing up the sewing machine And this...is the view from my home everyday.  

Here is to hoping you are all looking up and finding your own versions of peace everyday.  XOXOXOXO

You know what is NOT peaceful? Crazy formatting><  My apologies for the terrible spacing in tonight's post, but I cannot waste anymore brain power trying to fix it.  

moving forward

Wow.  Just...wow.  My feet hurt, unfamiliar muscles ache, my house has that clean but destroyed from a constant flow of people look, other people's things are laying about after a frantic departure yesterday morning, leftover party food in the fridge and my entire family is still asleep.  I'm exhausted...but my heart is full from it all.  It's a familiar feeling I had hoped I could get to here in this new place.  And like every bit of joy this year,  I had to work hard to earn it.  It's a tough year, but the lessons I'm learning are life changing.  How did we get here again?  


60 days of "settling in", unpacking and feeling out where we are and how we fit into this new place. 


One last trip to Minneapolis to clear out our house to get it ready for the lovely family that will move in and fill it with their own brand of family energy.  It was a task I took very seriously, I want to hand them a home, not just a place to crash for the next year or so.  They may be renting, but it's their home for as long as they live there.  And it's a great home, I'm so pleased they will be the family to take care of it.  It is really a match made in heaven, this family, our house and us.  Even though we had only communicated through email over the last several weeks, when they entered the house, it was hugs instead of handshakes.  It was laughter, smiles and fast, lively chatter, questions about each other's children and lives.  It was marveling about how the universe brought them to the craigslist ad I posted and all the signs that this was meant to be.  


I was surprised how heavy my heart was as we did a final walk through the house.  Happy to be handing it over, but realizing that I really really miss my kitchen window, with the bird house view.  And I miss getting ready in the morning in my bathroom with the window wide open, listening to the traffic and airplanes.  I was always aware that people were cruising over my house, on their way to somewhere.  That energy I was constantly bombarded by when we lived there, felt good as a visitor.  


No regrets, but lots of reminders of why I love that house and that city. 


That is how we got here.  At the point where we are finally, officially, fully here.  And to celebrate this commitment to being 100% vested in our new gig, we brought our style of crazy to the University of South Dakota homecoming weekend.  Enthusiastic, loud, unorganized, go with the flow, face painting, dancing, the more the merrier style.  Gather people together and see what happens, no expectations, no pressure.  Just have fun with it.


Liam brought his grumpy, screaming baby face and Annika her oh so angsty and embarrassed by her parents face.  Brandon brought his confused but patient daddy face and I my endless enthusiasm for all things cheesy, like parade mixes on the ipod and spontaneous dancing...face.  It was us through and through, so now they know, this is how the Schapekahms roll.  Usually a little late.


A party, a parade and a college football game.  All at the end of an insane work week.  And a week that included pink eye and a couple of kids with colds.  Yup, full heart, tired, tired body.

My Week by Fricka

Giving the house a new "do" for her new family.

Brandon wants me to tell you they were in this position for 6 hours that day, head and arms up.  Never put wall paper on a ceiling.

Wallpaper is truly the work of the devil. Seriously, what kind of NASA space glue is used to put this on?

Thank God for my girl...she always pulls through.



But for every ying, there's a yang. For every craptastic home improvement project, there is family improvement time.


Liam needed some Cece time.  The second we pulled into the driveway at 11pm, he knew we where we were exclaiming "Cece!!!"







It did my heart good to see both babies settled back in the loving arms of my broski for the weekend.




Even the tub is fun when you visit Cece.



Back in South Dakota we are submerged in Fall Fabulous.









And how do you make fall fabulous more fabulouser? Enter Daddy coming home from work:




Mommy thinks it's pretty awesome when daddy comes home too. Just saying...



Which brings us to the last couple of days. The days we became joiners, part of our new community. A coming out of sorts. I picked my comfort zone... fall, floats, parades and football.






And Oh My God...to see my babies invite their new friends over! There may or may not have been a moment that I snuck away to shed a happy tear.






To see my family welcome new people into our home, our lives. It felt good.

Angsty

I had another tear filled moment though, taking photos.  I again recalled the time before we moved, when I realized how different my photos would look from now on.  And indeed, here were a bunch of beautiful new faces to capture.  But the faces that were missing would have been such a perfect match for the activity and I missed them all day long.  And I sent them a text telling them as much.  And they...sent me their faces:)

<3

In conclusion, life is good.  I leave you with  the picture that sums up the spirit of the weekend...



Have a peaceful, lovely Sunday. XOXOXOXOXOXO

late night mcnuggets

I'm slipping them in right under the wire, but it's still HUMP day, so these are still...

hump day nuggets: little bits of the season in photos and words about the last week.  Encouraged to steal this idea from Dig This Chick because she is awesome blossom. 

 Yup cutting it soo close and eyes sliding shut every time I pause to put a  thought together.  It's not that I have so much to say tonight or that the little I have to say is so mind blowing it can't wait.  But the the baby is asleep, the tweenager's homework is done and the teenager doesn't have any.  It's rare I have a moment like this at 9:45pm, no one tugging at my arm needing something.   

This precious free hour or two has many "have tos" competing for priority.   I could do a couple loads of laundry. Or clean the slobbery Calvin faces off my glass front doors.  I could pack for our trip this weekend or clip the dog's nails.  Or finally put away the clean clothes laying around my bedroom.

As it is, the only other thing I almost did, was go over to the couch to cuddle with Annika while she watches one of my favorites...Big Fish.  If you've not seen this movie, please try to.  If you have parents, or loved the stories your grandparents told you, or love the story of your own life...love this movie.  It's one of my favorites.

In the last 12 months, in the midst of life changing loss and oh so many moments to reflect on what I was supposed to learn from it, I made the very deliberate decision to stop doing tasks when life gave surprise "free time".  I have stopped killing those fleeting moments with pointless chores, focusing instead on filling those bits of time with life.  Sweet, peaceful, lovely life.

::

late night mcnuggets

I got behind camera this weekend to spend a few hours with the most beautiful little family on their farm. I jumped at the chance to put on some boots and meander around their homestead at sunset. I felt a little rusty as I have not done a shoot in months, but inspired by the familiar sites and sounds of the country and the easy way this little family's love came through my camera.








I even got to take a bit of the farm home with me:)



::


Hump day nuggets is losing the battle for this precious free time. My favorite scene is coming up...the one where everyone from the fantastical stories come to his funeral and his son suddenly knows his father. 


My husband is reading in bed, I'd be crazy not to snuggle in next to him and fall asleep listening to his deep voice tell me about what he is reading. I love my time here with words and photos. I could stay, and try, but...I'd rather go snuggle.


And...these are meant to simply be "nuggets":)


Good night.


XOXOXOXOXOXO