rambling flow of thought and speech

From Desk Reference to the Diagnostic Criteria from DSM-3-R (American Psychiatric Association, 1987):

Caffeine-Induced Organic Mental Disorder 305.90 Caffeine Intoxication

1. Recent consumption of caffeine, usually in excess of 250 mg. -  
2. At least five of the following signs:
   1. restlessness   
   2. nervousness 
   3. excitement
   4. insomnia  
   5. flushed face 
   6. diuresis
   7. gastrointestinal disturbance  
   8. muscle twitching
   9. rambling flow of thought and speech  
   10. tachycardia or cardiac arrhythmia  
   11. periods of inexhaustibility
   12. psychomotor agitation
3. Not due to any physical or other mental disorder, such as an Anxiety Disorder.

For three hours last Wednesday, I thought I was going crazy.  I sat on the floor of my basement with Liam.  He played cars and I cried.  At first he would hug me and say "oh baby."  But after about an hour, he just brought all his toys next to his mess of a mother in the middle of the floor, and played quietly.  


But I wasn't going crazy.  I was in the throws of a coffee house opening induced caffeine overdose.  The list is an accurate description of me those three hours.  By the time Brandon got home, I had convinced myself I could not go upstairs, because there was too much up there.  Too many responsibilities, too much noise, a cell phone that wouldn't shut up.  But the basement was quiet and peaceful, full of nothing but toys, my baby boy and me.   

rambling flow of thought and speech 

This dominated my caffeine psychosis and was the reason I just knew I had snapped and would never go back to being a fully functioning person.  There was no flow or organization of my thoughts. A flood of fears, spilling forth in tears and words.     Some completely irrational, some logical but out of my control (think...meteors slamming into earth) and some very raw fears of suddenly dying, leaving behind the people and life I love so much.


I felt deep sadness.


I felt lonely.

rambling flow of thought and speech 

My dear husband listened to me for an hour.  His always calming way brought some quiet to my mind and slowly, perspective returned. 

I don't know if everything happens for a reason, but I feel like it's true.  It may have been the caffeine overdose that started this flow of thought and speech.  But it DID start it, this purge.  And I feel a little lighter, having shed 3 hours of tears and sharing that rambling flow of thought and speech with my husband.  


This is my first experience with grief and the grieving process.  I had no idea there were so many levels to pass through on the way to a new normal.  That so many thoughts and feelings would become intertwined and pull new ones to the surface to deal with.  


I have always had a wicked hard candy shell to protect me from this stuff.  But this year has exposed a major crack in my armor.  Try as I might, I can no longer push aside feeling uncomfortable emotions, they will find me whether I like it or not.  And that is good.


::


Since my big OD I've experienced some old school peace.  Not the kind of the last year, hard earned and scarce.  
Nope, this was good old fashioned look up find it everywhere.  
Peace in:

Puppy eyes

Fall 

 

Winterizing the garden

Finding the perfect costume for Liam

Babies in Halloween costumes

Planning spring's colors Firing up the sewing machine And this...is the view from my home everyday.  

Here is to hoping you are all looking up and finding your own versions of peace everyday.  XOXOXOXO

You know what is NOT peaceful? Crazy formatting><  My apologies for the terrible spacing in tonight's post, but I cannot waste anymore brain power trying to fix it.