fricka - leader of the nerd herd: 40

hump day nuggets: little bits of the season in photos and words about the last week. Encouraged to steal this idea from Dig This Chick because she is awesome blossom.

Actually, these are birthday nuggets. My 40th birthday nuggets. And easily the most special nuggets yet.

I'm not sure how other women feel about turning 40. I've never asked someone. I know that for some reason the retail/ commercial image of turning 40 includes lots of black decor and really awful naked 20 year old men cards mocking your inability to score them because you are..old. Funny...I seem to be scoring all over the place with my 20 something man. ~blush~

I have been super excited about my 40s for a long time. True story. Even in my 20's when I was fully and blissfully submerged in college life, I knew my 40's would be better. The later part of my 20's was a brutal reality check after the never never land that is college. Really far away from home for the first time should have been an adventure, but with a baby on board and a low paying job it was more like survival. I knew FOR SURE my 40's would be better.

I never thought about my thirties really. Not until I reached my 30th birthday and hit a wall of disappointment. For the entire week of my birthday I suffered a early life crisis. I had not gone to law school, or lived in a van while traveling the country, or moved to another country or done a tour with the Peace Corps. I had two kids and a divorce on my life resume. I did not give myself credit for building a career or surviving a divorce with a strong relationship with my x husband in tact or the beautiful human beings I had brought into the world. Nope, for that week, I was a total, miserable failure.

And then... it was over. And what replaced my pitty party was absurd drive and determination to do everything myself always. To never need anyone to provide emotional or financial support ever again and I would be the master of my universe at all costs.

This was good. It was the only way I survived until 35. It was not very conducive to having any relationships and today I formally apologize to anyone who was trying so hard to be close to me then. I was a terrible friend. But I was taking care of business, bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan. I wrapped my arms around my girls and my job and kept them close to me in my hard candy shell. Brandon was there, but I worked very hard to protect him from responsibility, not because he shied away from it, but because I had to do it myself...for myself.

Looking back I wonder what his perspective is on that time. I've never asked him. I've asked him why he stayed. Apparently, he knew, we were his family.

It was around 35 that I remembered I had my 40's to look forward to and when I really started to fantasize about how glamorous and sexy my 40s would be. How I'd have all my shit together, my emotional shit and my financial shit. I'd have a home I owned and cars that were paid for. I wouldn't live on credit cards between checks and I'd be at the top of my career.

I would love and be loved. I would be open to any and all levels of friendship. I would be a good friend, a thoughtful friend. I would be confident and secure.

Guess what. I was right. I'm 40 today and it's all true. It's even better. It's better because from 35 to today, I learned to ask for help. I've learned to put my heart in someone else's care and trust it would be nurtured and protected. I've learned that time with my family, working in a garden, canning and video games make me happy. I've discovered photography and writing. I learned to cry in front of people, both in moments of joy and sadness, something my 30 year old self would have seen as weak. As a matter of fact, I've cried more in the last 5 years than in the previous 35 years combined, and I'm the happiest I've ever been. Life is crazy.

I'm still learning to be a good friend. Hang in there, those of you still trying so hard...it's coming along.

Thank you, all of you who loved me through my 20s and 30s, especially those who kept telling me this day would come. Who believed for me for those years in my 30s when I doubted. And thank you to those of you who have found me now, later in our lives. Those shiny new friendships and old friendships renewed are my growth now. Such beautiful people!

Birthday Nuggets baby. Best...birthday...ever.