good enough

On this...the last day of our month off, I had planned a blog about lessons learned during this time.  Or perhaps one about preparing to inject ourselves back into society.  Or about our new path and how everything happens for a reason and unbeknownst to us...this month off happened because we would need clear minds and refreshed bodies for unexpected challenges to come.


I'm sure any one of them would have been fine...I have it all jammed in my head and that is how these posts get life...a dump of what is in my head, my heart, my camera.


But then, I received the first guest blog submission.  And it left me feeling a little exposed.  As if she wrote it for me, to explain why I ducked out of the world the last 30 days.  


Everything happens for a reason. 


You've seen her face here a million times.  I rarely use names.  If you recognize her face, you know her...probably by a nickname you've affectionately given her.  If you don't, you can call her TT.  

She is my girl, my sister, my gestational partner.  She is strength and light and the most faith filled woman I know.  Optimism radiates from her, able to fill worried hearts with hope even in the worst of times.  Like all of us, she has things to say.


I'm thrilled she decided to take the leap and write and even more thrilled she decided to share it here:)

::
Something has been brewing in my mind for awhile . . .

Barrett: I want to live my life with variety.

Teresa: Yes, but let’s not kill ourselves trying.

When did we evolve into multi-tasking, “I can do it all” creatures.  It is not okay anymore to just be proficient in one thing.  So much, that each moment gets lost into the next trying to be, or say, or know.  We are a generation expected to be everything all at once.   In believing I am superhuman, each day I wake up with my own self expectation to be:

A brilliant mother, wife, sister, daughter, employee, friend

An expert in art, technology, pop culture, politics, fashion, finances

A good, honest, optimistic and faith-filled self

And those are just the “A” list.  There are also all the things that I dream to be brilliant at if I only had a few more moments.  There is the saying, “when life was simpler” and I believe that it must have existed and can exist in my life.   Not to the degree that life is stripped of the adventure, action and challenge but back to a time when I didn’t have to be brilliant at all things, all the time, all at once, every day.  I am over stimulated with choices and overwhelmed with guilt when I allow one of these expectations to slip.  It’s a lot to ask. Now I know that it is not healthy to compartmentalize my life, nor would it be fulfilling.  I want to feel, see, learn and ponder .   It is just like when Barrett and I go out to dinner, 9 times out 10 I convince him to order an array of appetizers instead of dinner because I want to taste all the flavors.  That is why I wouldn’t give up any of the things that are on the “A” list.  I enjoy every flavor that they add to my life. 

But when is it okay to admit failure, give something up or just abandon a task or hobby because it has become so overwhelming that  we no longer are best at the things that matter most in our lives? My frustration with this expectation isn’t solely selfish.  What I have begun to notice in those I admire the most is they are burning out.  That this internal “A” list we each have is weighing us all down and we are left some days with only enough energy to go to sleep.  I think we spend far too much time focusing on what we are not being instead of all the things that we are.  I want to inject satisfaction into people.  Make them feel comfort in knowing that the people who love them most only define them as brilliant and no one is focusing on their unwritten and unaccomplished to do list for that day.  We waste so much energy on this kind of thinking and does it really benefit us? 

When Maria died I wondered if I was too optimistic that I actually failed to notice the end.  I questioned that for a really long time (still do) that I might have made other choices our last Christmas, the weekends in SoDak, the phone calls, the emails.  But every time I come to the same conclusion, that if I had focused on what was to come or all the things I didn’t do, I would not have actually lived the moments we did make.  So my first lesson is to embrace my optimism as a gift. And the second is that I am back to believing that “when life was simpler” can exist right now within me.  But it doesn’t come without going against the grain.  The grain of my own being: my inner leader, striver, and goal seeker.  Not that these traits will ever disappear but I am going to introduce them to contentment and self pride and acceptance.  

ee

i say, and so say i
my morning thought
it knew itself just fine
until across the room
it caught its first glimpse of my afternoon
how can it be
that these things live in me?

i say, and so say i
my morning's day seems nothing like its night
my night so self assured
was all at sea when faced with dawns strange world
how can it be
that these things live in me?

How Can it Be? by Forever Thursday

TT

hunting

I got as far as opening the "New Post" tab in blogger last night, and one of my babies begged me to cuddle and watch our favorite show before she went to bed.  Annika and I became Law and Order SVU addicts while I was on maternity leave and are still trying to catch up by watching old seasons on Netflix.  I had no idea that this show has been around since before Annika was born. For a family that does not watch TV (we really don't...well except Sponge Bob...but he transcends regular TV) Annika and I are super fans of the SVU, regularly yelling at the TV, worrying about the victims and Stabler, Benson, Cragon, Munch.  We also have an ongoing contest, who can solve the crime first.   Anyway, I caved,  how could I resist? Season 1 Episode 18:)


Fast forward to 3:30am and I'm wide awake.  Tossing and turning, trying to focus on one of my favorite life stories to fall back to sleep.  Lately it's been Liam's birth story and it almost always comforts me back to sleep.  But today I'm excited, not stressed.  Today my future life story trumps the past and it is not going to let me go to sleep.  So here I am at 4:30 am, giving up the fight.


We've been fairly quiet about our plans.


We've been hunting for some answers, some solutions before we make anything official.


While our kids were readying for Easter and their Egg hunt, we've been doing our own version of the Easter Egg  hunt...only our "eggs" are a little more complicated:)


Bringing you up to speed in photos:


Our month off continues and we are just floating, like you do... on a tube down the river...beer included.  Big boom box as well and at the moment it's constantly playing Adele.  Where ever life takes us, we are going without planning for it.  If they kids ask us to take them somewhere to do something, we are saying yes because that is what this month is about.  Submerged in our nuclear family, following life's leads.


Softball game in the snow.

I'm sooo excited the girls are trying sports.  I love their artistic flair, acting and musical interests...but I'm super excited I get to see them sweat a bit too:) 

So far Liam is pretty "ehh" about going to his sister's events. He's a toddler...he must toddle and resents being confined to his stroller.  But we can't let him run around while we are distracted by RBIs and Autumn's killer plays on first base.  I mean...have you seen what happens to unsupervised kids on SVU?!?!?!?!?

Helping with school projects.  We do a lot of boards around here.  These are a great excuse for friends over 3 nights a week for dinner and sleep over on weekends.  You'd think they were curing cancer.  But  it's all good.  The truth is, I love their friends and they can hang here as much as they want.  It's good to be the "cool" house to hang out at and I'll make walking tacos like it's my job if it means my kids and their friends continue to trust us and come to us for help with projects or anything else they need.


We have strict rules in our house and yet it's like the kids don't notice or don't mind.  I got that skill from my mom who had me and my friends convinced that 10pm was a "late" curfew and being at her house was more fun anyway.  Thank God I got that skill.  Or is it a gene?  It may be the same gene that allows my mom to play the cheesy 70's organ and sing "The Girl From Ipanema."  My friends and I thought that was crazy cool.  They all still think she is the coolest, funniest mom ever.  Well played mom...well played.


I won't lie, there is a part of me that feels like I'm winning when I over hear "Your parents are so cool."

Regular old playtime is always good and we've been putting in alot of time in that area.  Lots and lots of floor time with baby boy and baby Cal.  Sometimes you just gotta take a vacation from being a working professional, a stressed out, boring old adult and just play with your stink'n kids...for a month.

And get others in on the action:

Liam shows Uncle Beef it's totally okay to color on the windows at our house.

And of course Easter and our various "hunts."  Traditional:

We've been getting a lot of these lately...tantrums.  And they are escalating quickly.  

Someone busted into the food coloring.  Actually two someones, Calvin ended up with blue mouth, Liam with red. It's like they planned it together because it all happened within a minute.  Oh well.  It was the only part of the Easter Egg dying he enjoyed.

We went with Neon Eggs this year... it was a good choice.

Easter was incredibly chill.  I have no photos because we just didn't really do anything.  We spent time outside, did the basket thing, ate yummy food.  But the big family was in Webster and the girls went to see other family is SD, so we lived by our April rules and really just relaxed.  Tough to obey the rules during a holiday, as you know normally I'd be high on the vibe of a road trip to the farm.  But it was good to be still.


And our hunt...the adult one...has been wildly successful.


Brandon found an incredible new job in Sioux Falls SD.


My parents found us an incredible new house in Vermillion SD.


I'm starting an unbelievable new journey with the family business, working with my Mom, Dad and brother.


We are moving back to SD in a few months.


We will miss the city...I can't think about that yet.


We will miss our family here...won't think about that yet.


But...we are ready to start this new adventure.  

mommas

When you start here:

where can you go?


Maybe I should just stop. Let you soak it in. I've been drawn into that photo over and over again the last few days, wishing I could reach in and wrap those babies in my arms. But that hug wasn't for me, it was theirs, love from a brother to a sister. I'm just the lucky momma that was lurking close enough to catch a baby should he fall off the jungle gym...or catch this moment.


Maybe I have a few more for you...maybe I can go here:





Sometimes there just aren't words. Pain leaves a blinding white hole in the part of your brain where words should be. Grief smothers thoughts and words with the heaviest of weights , leaving only tears. Joy fills your brain with a massive jumble of words that fail to exit in any coherent manner.


That was this weekend. Joy...pure joy. There were times this weekend that I found myself suddenly and unexpectedly panicked that a person can only have so many of these moments... and aren't I surely getting close to my lifetime maximum? I did some quick math in the bathroom of Pazzaluna. If I live to be 85 (reasonable enough given the longevity in my family) I will still only have 46 years of this life left. That can't be enough time.


Enough time for nights like this:

Ericka Marker Schapekahm

BEST NIGHT EVER. How many of those is one allowed in a lifetime? Thanks chica for organizing an amazing night. Love you.

Melanie D Schmidt I agree! Last night was so much fun, I can't wait to do it again ;)

Teresa Evans Yay! I cannot stop smiling! I think that we can repeat that recipe to many, many more!

Teresa Evans Oh and I love you to pieces!

Teresa Evans

I could not of asked for a better night last night . . . amazing friends, amazing dinner, amazing theatre! I have perma-smile today! Thanks to all who came out. Those who missed out we will be doing it again for Panic at Park Square!

Barrett Evans

Weekend filled with yummy food (in belly and on stove and soon on the grill), the best of friends and family, plus theatre! Pure awesomeness.

No pictures of this night, but I could show you about 10 more Facebook posts that would add color to the story of our Saturday night in the city. Believe it or not, there are some things that trump getting "the shot." Like a pretty dress and sassy heels, big hair and heavily lined eyes. Sometimes a girl has to get tarted up a bit and a giant orange camera bag does NOT complete the look.


Running around the city, from restaurant to the theater, post performance chat with the director and actor, back to restaurant for late night happy hour. If you live in the city for no other reason, this is it. You can ditch the pony tail and yoga pants and become very cool in the time it takes to drive downtown. I love it. It is the perfect ying to my South Dakota yang. And to do it up with fellow So Dakers makes it even better. We may not cross paths in the cities very often, but when we do there aren't awkward moments of getting reacquainted, just jumping all in for the experience of the night. I think it is the SD connection that allows that to happen and I think it's magic. And then POOF...we are home, scrubbing off makeup at 2am, heels abandoned in the car, Spanx on the stairs, husband passed out on top of the bed covers, me praying he will stop snoring and the baby will sleep past 5am. But if he doesn't...it's okay...it was worth it.


Thank you to that group for always welcoming us in and making us feel like rock stars.


Not to be outdone by a Saturday night in the city, Sunday had some magic in store for us as well.


Our girls. Let me just tell you what our 11 & 14 year old daughters wanted to do Sunday:

• go to the nursery to pick out pepper & tomato plants
• garden
• work in the yard
• fabric trip for sewing projects (did that)
• make strawberry shortcake (did that)
• watch the rest of Jaws (did that)
• go for a family walk (did that)
• to the park (oh we did that)

I'm not sure what other 11 & 14 year old girls ask to do on the weekend, but I loooooove how mine roll. 


The family walk to the park begins:



Here is what I dig about this photo:


Annika - Dainty pink  flower Wellies, even though there isn't a lick of rain, prancing around in the grass, on the fringe, away from the baby stroller or the dog (i.e. work.)  The Aries...she needs to be free to flit and flutter as she sees fit.


Brandon - Signature brown hoodie. Strolling with his buddy, playing real life flash cards "CAR!" "BIRD!" "DOG!" Patient as the day is long with chatter box girls.


Autumn - My capable trustworthy Capricorn. In charge of the dog. Confident she is a dog whisperer. Confident in her new flaming red hair. The other mother in our house, monitoring cleaning projects, grocery needs and siblings.  My right hand, my old soul.


As pleasant a teenager as Autumn is...she is still a 14 year old girl.  And my request for a photo is usually met with a sigh and massive eye roll.  So, Saturday during morning chores, I ambushed her while she was cleaning my bathroom.  Boxed her in and got some photos!  




Those are the ones I am allowed to use.


Back to the park.
The first park trip of the spring. No words. But more photos, and even the teenager was down for some real shots. Drunk on sunshine I tell you, we all were.









I've said that Liam calls all three of us girls "momma" and it's true he does. If you show him a photos of all of us and ask where Autumn or Annika is, he will point at the correct beautiful face. But if you show him a photo and ask "who is that" his answer for any one of us is always "momma." Every single time I hear his little voice say that about my girls, I have to stifle a flood of tears that threaten to flow. I just can't imagine the love he must feel every day, from the moment he stirs in the morning to the last kiss he gets at night.  


Where Autumn had the awkward, overprotective, love of a first time mother, and Annika had the hectic love of a career mom shared with her sister...Liam has the undivided love and attention of his sisters.  I have arranged my life to better accommodate my mommy responsibilities...my mommy joys.  And Brandon...well he just wouldn't make choices that cut into family time. Liam came along at just the right time, lucky baby.


And while Autumn is most definitely the closest thing he has to a mother besides me, Annika is his constant companion. Those two...well...there are no words.





He is her constant shadow. He lives to be where she is, do what she does, make her laugh.  

Always just one step behind her...


Or at least trying his hardest...



Partners in crime. Annika sneaks him chocolate, crashes cars with him, snuggles in for a movie, hops in the tub with him and brings him into her bed early in the morning.



I am frequently overwhelmed with gratitude for being chosen to mother these babies. How is it possible that the girl that loudly and persistently declared she was never having children, would be given the opportunity to bring these divine creatures in the world and watch them grow. Watch them learn to love and experience love in return?

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you,
as you are to them.

~Desmond Tutu

chill'n like bob dylan

We've taken the month of April off, cancelled every road trip, every outing.  It's a grand experiment to see if there really is a virus that lives in our van, that is only activated upon crossing into South Dakota.  Every time we go, we are sick for a week after.  It's an automatic 5 day weekend whether we planned it or not.  Usually it's Liam, but I get in there with my stupid back once in a while too.  I understand why people travel with their own pillows.  I hate that I understand it, but I do.  I wish I could travel with my own bed.


But I digress.


The moratorium on travel.  My family needs to heal.  Needs to just be home, each live their own lives, with their own activities.  Autumn can play softball, spend Sunday's with her friends at the coffee house.  Annika can go mud bogging in her Wellies with Liam...or without.  Brandon can work on projects, take a couple of contract jobs and know I'm not going to insist he be somewhere for days at at time.  I can book a couple of spring sessions with people I've been putting off since October.  We need to rediscover our true selves, buried beneath one million inches of snow for months now. 


Home is good.  Home is where the heart is.  I happen to have two homes, one here and one in South Dakota.  Right now, we need this home.  We need to recharge.  Our bodies and our minds.


I made a million doctor appointments.  Pediatricians, dentists, veterinarians.  I scheduled meetings with teachers, daycare providers, my boss and the groomer.


I've walked the dog every other day.  He is morbidly obese and needs to lose 27 pounds yes another victim of the raging winter.  The walks are doing wonders for both of us. The sunshine is intoxicating.  I've never loved the sunshine so much. Never. It's almost like it's the first time I'm experiencing it.


Healing my body.  The 20 vials of blood and xrays told us I am fixable.  I do not have Lupus or Lyme disease.  I have a fantastical vitamin D deficiency which dominoes into other issues.  A couple of weeks on a variety of things to boost up my D, B12, Calcium and some naproxen to take the edge off the pain and Dr. says I will be a new person.  I'm a week in.  It's 10:26pm and I'm awake typing without tears.  It may be working.


Healing my mind.  Dr. says that just because I spend all day talking doesn't mean I'm really talking about things I need to.  Who knew?  A few years ago, a Target peer bought me a shirt that said:

"I know...let me drop everything and help you with your problems."

Great HR shirt.  I don't blog about it, for a variety of reasons, but my job is very stressful.   I work in an environment that frequently leaves me unable to reach a goal.  Usually to help someone else enjoy their work. That can be alot to carry around if you are me, and you want to help them.   I wish I could not give a shit, but I do.  Healing my mind = find someone for me to talk to.  Done.


And the most effective healing of mind and body for all?  Spending time as a family.  Spending time just being the nerd herd.


Sunrise with Autumn, first morning hugs.  Quiet conversations with my 14 year old little woman.  Today we discussed books. It is such a good time for us. 


First morning laughs with Liam.  He wakes up laughing almost every morning.  He injects energy into sleepy mornings.  Somehow he knows to let Autumn and I do our thing and brings his little boy magic at just the right time. 


Late night cuddles with Annika.  We go to bed together almost every night and it ends one of two ways:
"mom...can you go into your bed?  You are making me sweaty."  or "Annika, go into your bed so your dad can come to bed."  But the going to bed is perfection, her face next to mine.


And all day with my sweet husband and his gentle push to do ...nothing.  Wicked little smile, urging me to just chill out.  But...but...but!  I protest.   His answer "there's no time."  There is time, but let's use it to plan what cutting flowers to plant in our garden.


So yeah...the pictures.  They are chill.  They are us being home.  Just being.


Ask anyone who knows him.  Heck, anyone who has ever met him.  This is the most laid back guy you will ever meet.



Like father...like son.



His favorite meal of the day is "after school snack."  I know it ruins his real dinner, but it's sooo cute I can't say no.



Someone is a super fan of Superman.

This really needs audio for you to understand how stink'n cute it is.  He loves flashcards.  LOVES them.  And he knows what all this stuff is and what sounds they make.  But, he has to yell "Whatda!" and pick each one up before he can just tell you.

"WHATDA!!!"

The BOOTS!!!

Annika's 11th Birthday was the 12th.  My little Aries heart was so easy to please.  Keylime pie and fix her computer.  We threw in a new game for her. She is such a family girl.


Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles... B is for bubbles.






First bubble he's ever made!  



And there they are folks!  The great healers of my mind, body and soul. The Monkeys.



Bath time should be relaxing for everyone involved:P







It's quiet here.  



T minus 17 days until the moratorium on travel is lifted.  And there are people waiting.  God bless them.  17 days to soak this in before life becomes hectic again.  17 days...Shhhhhh.  There's no time.