my shorts

Hola! from booful kimass land.  That's what our little village in SD is called on our way home from daycare everyday.  "Oh Momma!  Oh booful kimass!"  I will drive in circles, down every street I see even a hint of kimass lights, to hear his little voice exclaim the beauty of Christmas.  And when a block goes dark for a house or two?  "Oh no Momma!  Where kimass go?!?!"  Kimass, where are you?"  That voice...I win either way.


We hung probably the most amazing wreath ever at work today.  It was a gift to our company and honestly just stunning.   When it was finally up, I stood in the middle of a noon rush, coffee lovers on one side, road warriors on the other, and exclaimed "OH KIMASS!  IT BOOFUL!"  I can only believe I'm a joy to have around.  No picture here, but check out my other blog later:)


I'm thinking in shorts these days.  I'm feeling in shorts these days. By "shorts" I mean that I feel like I am moving along at mach speed, barely touching the surface of the earth.  It's all good, I feel joy and love and pride and accomplishment, but it's all just whizzing by.  And if I look back at the last year, it becomes a blur.  Life changing decisions were made, we took off on a great new adventure, left the city to make a home in a small town and couldn't take our people with us.  I look at us now and still know it was the right time and we are happy here.  But we are moving at mach speed. Which only leaves time for these shorts.


What the hell are "shorts"?  They are the moments when I feel deeply connected to what is going on around me.  Or when I recall a memory that lives so vividly in my mind and heart, that I can live in every minute detail when I bring to the front of my mind.  


I used to live in those connected moments all day, every day.  I maybe had a small disconnect here and there while at work, but even then my job as a Human Resources professional largely left me knee deep in moments with people, connecting with them.  But that is not what I'm talking about.  What I'm talking about is the fact that for a very long time, I was blessed with years and years... of seemingly endless moments of the planets aligning and everything always turning out perfect.  Feel free to vomit now.


I can tell you that was not the reality, but even in times when anyone would argue my life was swirling around the toilet bowl, I was connected to the meaning of what was happening, why it was happening and how it would turn out for the best.  There was always  some control, and therefore, always the ability to pause...connect...ponder the meaning...and move forward.


So when things outside my control started to happen, it messed up my mojo a bit.  


Over this last year, here on my little bloggity blog I've referred to these shorter moments as finding the "sparkle" again.  And maybe if you read my posts again, there are other metaphors for these shorts out there.  I'm sure.  But recently I've been thinking and feeling in short bursts so much I had to name the feeling. 


::
A birthday short:
I cannot stop thinking about my birthday.   I relive looking up from my Caribou "teaching and training" moment and seeing their faces and yelling "WHAT?!?!?!?"  And then crying and running. And the dancing and waking up knowing they were in my house.  The birthday dinner, the missed football game and happy hour beers, the perfect music mix which began with "Invincible" by Pat Benatar.  I yelled "oh Autumn...you HAVE to see the legend of Billy Jean!"  and having Barrett magically appear with it in his hand.  The tattoo.


Perfectly connected moments, like a higher power was orchestrating our every move.


I also kept the perfect birthday card.  
My sister in law brought it to work and I read it and laughed.  But later, when I read it again I thought...it's perfect.  It may be the most perfect card I've ever gotten.  So it sits... on my desk at home and I laugh every time I see it, and I show it people who come over.  And they agree that it is perfect.


Christmas shorts:
The daily drive home from daycare...or what I call "The Center".  I happily take the detour every day because his joy touches deep roots in my Christmas soul.  It feeds my holiday freak every day.


 


Oddly enough, wrapping presents late last night while my husband lay sick on the couch next to me also fell into the category of good stuff.  The Christmas freak and the nurturing wife freak were both getting their fix of connecting to a moment.  I love it when my husband needs me.  Like...really needs me.


Homemade gifts ground me. Even though I always...always end up in a hot mess of panicked all nighters, I see the finish line and know that handing over a hand made gift feels just slightly better.  The time I spend at a table crafting a gift is time I'm forced to slow down and re prioritize things.  It feels good to choose to get in over my head on a gift.

MAN DOWN AT THE CRAFTING TABLE!!!

 

Work/career shorts:
These are tough these days because it is this 50+ hours a week that is driving the faster than the speed of light bus.  It won't always be this way, but it will be for the next several years.  Here, there are mere seconds where I can pause and feel the roots dig in and connect to a task, or a work center, or an accomplishment.  But the second is over in a flash, replace by "great but...how do you make it better."  It's good.  It's tough...but it's good.


Family shorts:
Here is where I'm getting the most bang for my buck. My time with my daughters cannot fall into the "short" category.  These days, my Autumn Zoe and my Annika Willow are my roots.  The move  and the change that came with it have bonded us together in a way that resembles their infancy.  Right now, we are a team, every day, mother/daughters.  There is open and honest dialogue, openness to my advice, a need for each other to remind us of our roots, our beliefs, our sense of what is right and what is not.  Daily I feel Autumn reach out us for support when she is going to go against the norm at school and for now our support is all the strength she needs to stay true to herself.


   


For our  family, these are good, strong days. 




And then there is moving home, being near my parents, near my grandparents.  There really aren't words to describe how right that was, how necessary for all of us.  If you have been away from home for a spell, and are struggling with the thought of going back...do it.  Everything is temporary, you can always leave again.  But go home at least once.

And right now, in this very moment I'm uber connected.  It is reason #1 I blog...to sit quietly and contemplate this life I'm living.  I don't always publish what I write, but I always write.  And regardless of what comes out, I'm always more grateful for this life after I've spent some time here. 


Photo shorts ::


Oh the joys of little girls and little boys this time of year.

A perfect holiday short:  One night, as I'm drinking eggnog out of my new thrift shop holiday mug, Autumn says, "I wish I had a big fun mug to drink hot chocolate out of."

 

BOOM! Another thrift shop find.  It's a regular Christmas miracle.

Addiction short: Someday you will see me on Intervention as my family and friends desperately try to express how my addiction to little Laughing Cow cheeses has negatively effected them.  This photo is a cry for help.


It's the holiday season, time for me to dig in and stop with the shorts. Time to take the time to pause and connect.




 T minus 9 days until Christmas for us and however many days until you celebrate your seasonal connections. Dig in baby. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

super duper grumpy ( you asked for it Lisa E)

It began this morning when I got halfway through my cardio work out and accidentally pulled the emergency stop button which shut down the tread mill.  This wouldn't be such a big stink'n deal except I do this every freaking time.  Every time.  So I have to start over and do math to figure out distance and time and calories.  Mostly just addition or subtraction but it's 5am and I really don't want to do math.  I based my entire major on two things...what do I love and how do I not do math. So...


Also during my run, I lost a battle to ignore the very persistent and worsening pain in my right heal.  I have been dismissing it as a mild case of plantar fasciitis, but there is now significant swelling.  This makes me pissy.  I have finally carved out some time for myself, to work off my lovely lady lumps...and I have aches and pains interfering.


I can't do regular push ups anymore because of my arthritis and carpel tunnel.  And none of this is 40s fault, I've been dealing with this stuff since I turned 30.  


Moving on. I'm not proud to tell you that recently, I went out in public in sweat pants.  Like...shopping.  In sweat pants. Not yoga pants, gray sweat pants.   First time since college and I promise you I don't look as cute in them as I did then.  I wore them because I had to drive to Sioux Falls and they are more comfortable than jeans.  ~~Sigh~~ 


Thus the working out.  


Dressing myself is a special form of hell right now.  Most days I will tell you that I do not regret abandoning healthy eating to inhale burgers, fries and thousands of Chipotle burritos while building my baby boy.  But if you ask me right away in the morning while I'm trying to dress myself...I may punch you in the mouth.  I have just enough meat and grease fat left from my 9 month binge eating extravaganza to make my clothes hang funny on me, but a bigger size looks worse.  It's like I'm borrowing someone else's clothes, everyday.  I know this because my own clothes would never show so much arm fat right?


My pants are 1 inch too short because the junk in my trunk is lifting them up an inch. We have taken to calling them "nerd pants".


Also, now that my beautiful daughters are helping with laundry, all my clothes get dried completely.  So all my work shirts look like barbie shirts and I do a "fat guy in a little coat" impression everyday.  Or...they have shrunk into a lovely short, fat square shape.  The length is an awkward belly button length, the sleeves 3/4 lengthy  and two of me could side by side in the shirt box.


Everyday.  


This is what made me super, duper grumpy this morning.


This is what made that all go away:

• My mom's hysterical laughter as I told her why I was grumpy.
• Baby Marshall screaming at the ceiling fan.
• Submitting LOTS of flex claims just in time to get LOTS of fun money for Christmas shopping.
• Liam running around in tighty whiteys.
• My husband coming home.

Grumpy day over.  Let's look at some pictures:


::


It's no wonder I am so very rarely sponge bob grumpy pants.  


 Sweet Thanksgiving faces
 


 Sweet Thanksgiving rituals. Thankful for having a little boy in my life even if it means a little extra junk in my trunk:) Thankful for all the little extra bits of good stuff that balances out super duper grumpy days.


So much for grumpy, his rule was short lived today. And how did a "grumpy" blog end up being a "thankful" blog?  Easy...see above:)  


G'Night.  XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

thanksgiving eve

It feels good to be this tired and know I'm right at the beginning of a 4 day weekend.  And it's the best kind of tired, tuckered out from a hard day at work.  The worst kind of tired is "i cannot stay asleep past 3am" which I did on Monday.  "Hard work" tired = a beer, a night of guiltless blog stalking, carry out food and falling asleep on the couch watching crappy tv.  Ahhhhhh.


But first, a little Thanksgiving bloggity blog.  This year I thought, rather than reflect on the Thanksgiving holiday 3 days from now, when I'm burned out from traveling and all "holiday road trip tired", I would do a little looking ahead...to what is coming.


An early morning departure, to ensure we arrive at the farm by 1pm.  I love getting up early to hit the road.  Since we moved back to South Dakota, I've seen more stunning sunrises than I can remember.  I've stood on the breaks on the highway, jumped out of the van and taken photos about once a week.  It's the same stretch of road every morning and it if you can make a sunrise date, it never fails to deliver.





I can't tell you now much I look forward to these fall weekends at home.  I'm so in love with our house here.  I still super love our home in Minneapolis, but let's face it...it doesn't have a studio like addition with 25 windows.  I open every blind, make tea, fire up the computer and wait for the sun to come up.  So I'm looking forward to a few more of these before this view is blanketed in white.





No snow yet in the tropical southern most tip of South Dakota.  I told my husband winter is weird here, more freezing rain than snow and when the snow comes, it tries to kill you via travel. Then it melts.  And then the freezing rain again and so it goes and so it goes.  So far, just one day of freezing rain.  The rest is still gorgeous fall romps in the leaves. So far.


 
 Remember the wonderful canopy of leaves I wrote about when we first arrived?  The show those trees put on this fall has been pretty incredible.  Walls of leaves almost as tall as Annika, 60 bags worth.  Trying to keep up with the blizzard of fall leaves is futile.  Rather than beat them...we opted to just join them.


And really, that is all one should do in the fall. Work a little, play alot...before winter sets in and things like sewing, art projects and game nights take over. So much to look forward to,but we let's not rush into things, we must stay present so as not to miss a thing.





There just isn't anything more important than your "people", whoever that is for each of us.  And that is what I am most thankful for this year.  My people.  My family people, my work people, my small people, new people, old people.  I need them all and appreciate them all so much.  I appreciate YOU so much.  This little blog hit over 10,500 page views this week...crazy.  


 


I am also thankful for this superman t-shirt. I cannot wash it fast enough.  I would put this on him everyday if it weren't so strange to do so.  What is it about this shirt?  
 


It's time for the "fall asleep on the couch watching deliciously crappy TV" portion of the night.  We never make time to watch TV so when I have this opportunity I relish it!  Here's to hoping there is a marathon of SVU on:)


If you travel tomorrow, I pray you have a safe journey.  Be Thankful, do your best, eat chocolate, laugh, smile, smell the flowers, sip wine, love deeply & bask in the sun.  


XOXOXOXOXO!

40

hump day nuggets: little bits of the season in photos and words about the last week.  Encouraged to steal this idea from Dig This Chick because she is awesome blossom. 

Actually, these are birthday nuggets.  My 40th birthday nuggets.  And easily the most special nuggets yet.  

I'm not sure how other women feel about turning 40.  I've never asked someone.  I know that for some reason the retail/ commercial image of turning 40 includes lots of black decor and really awful naked 20 year old men cards mocking your inability to score them because you are..old. Funny...I seem to be scoring all over the place with my 20 something man. ~blush~

I have been super excited about my 40s for a long time.  True story.  Even in my 20's when I was fully and blissfully submerged in college life, I knew my 40's would be better.  The later part of my 20's was a brutal reality check after the never never land that is college.  Really far away from home for the first time should have been an adventure, but with a baby on board and a low paying job it was more like survival.  I knew FOR SURE my 40's would be better.

I never thought about my thirties really.  Not until I reached my 30th birthday and hit a wall of disappointment.  For the entire week of my birthday I suffered a early life crisis.  I had not gone to law school, or lived in a van while traveling the country, or moved to another country or done a tour with the Peace Corps.  I had two kids and a divorce on my life resume.  I did not give myself credit for building a career or surviving a divorce with a strong relationship with my x husband in tact or the beautiful human beings I had brought into the world.  Nope, for that week, I was a total, miserable failure.  

And then... it was over.  And what replaced my pitty party was absurd drive and determination to do everything myself always.  To never need anyone to provide emotional or financial support ever again and I would be the master of my universe at all costs.  

This was good.  It was the only way I survived until 35.  It was not very conducive to having any relationships and today I formally apologize to anyone who was trying so hard to be close to me then.  I was a terrible friend.  But I was taking care of business, bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan.  I wrapped my arms around my girls and my job and kept them close to me in my hard candy shell.  Brandon was there, but I worked very hard to protect him from responsibility, not because he shied away from it, but because I had to do it myself...for myself.

Looking back I wonder what his perspective is on that time.  I've never asked him.  I've asked him why he stayed.  Apparently, he knew, we were his family. 

It was around 35 that I remembered I had my 40's to look forward to and when I really started to fantasize about how glamorous and sexy my 40s would be.  How I'd have all my shit together, my emotional shit and my financial shit.  I'd have a home I owned and cars that were paid for.  I wouldn't live on credit cards between checks and I'd be at the top of my career. 

I would love and be loved.  I would be open to any and all levels of friendship.  I would be a good friend, a thoughtful friend.  I would be confident and secure.  

Guess what.  I was right.  I'm 40 today and it's all true.  It's even better.  It's better because from 35 to today, I learned to ask for help.  I've learned to put my heart in someone else's care and trust it would be nurtured and protected.  I've learned that time with my family, working in a garden, canning and video games make me happy.  I've discovered photography and writing.  I learned to cry in front of people, both in moments of joy and sadness, something my 30 year old self would have seen as weak. As a matter of fact, I've cried more in the last 5 years than in the previous 35 years combined, and I'm the happiest I've ever been.  Life is crazy.

I'm still learning to be a good friend. Hang in there, those of you still trying so hard...it's coming along. 

Thank you, all of you who loved me through my 20s and 30s, especially those who kept telling me this day would come.  Who believed for me for those years in my 30s when I doubted.  And thank you to those of you who have found me now, later in our lives.  Those shiny new friendships and old friendships renewed are my growth now. Such beautiful people!

Birthday Nuggets baby.  Best...birthday...ever.

::



My people came to celebrate.  They surprised me at work.  They said they came to celebrate me and that the theme for the weekend would be:

"Life is messy, but you make it beautiful"

Surprise birthday weekend events followed suite:

beautifully lazy mornings

favorite cupcakes from favorite city bakery

spot on music mix

big family dance party

Surly

Jewelry

Brother/Sister tattoos 

This is the "Life is Messy" necklace that inspired the tattoos.  And like the tattoo, it may never come off my body:

Awesome toddler sleep over!

My people.

And it's only 2pm on this, the day of my birth.  There just may have to be more nuggets tomorrow.  With my people...you never know. 

Happy 40th to me & happy day to you.  XOXOXOXOXOXOXO