You put a big bird in a small cage and it'll sing you a song. patrick watson

No woman 3 months shy of 40, up to her eye balls in "new" and still carrying extra weight from the baby she "just" had (24 months ago) needs to have access to a Sam's Club sized box of strawberry Pop Tarts and several pounds of butter left over from the Christmas cookie free for all.  Can you visualize this?


Yes, I put butter on my frosted Pop Tarts.  Don't judge.  Just rescue me from the giant box of tasty goodness.


First, a disclaimer.  I'm attempting to type this with a right hand that feels like it's wearing a shoe.  And it is about as useful a hand covered with a shoe would be.  A tight, mind blowingly painful shoe.  I've always struggled with the Carpel Tunnels, but since my pregnancy with the Lum...I've stopped struggling and am just in full time suffering mode. I couldn't tell you if I actually have a thumb, pointer and middle finger on my shoe had...I haven't felt them since November 2008.


I say this only to explain what may or may not happen moving forward.  Either I will cease to correct typing/spelling errors...which could be great fun.  Or the blog will consist of photos accompanied by poetic key mashing from the Lumowitz.  Also great fun.


And the next time Blooger decides I need to highlight and delete ALL the text in the post, instead of the 2 or 3 words I've selected to delete...I'm going to star the world on fire.




I love living here.



Just two weeks in and I'm overwhelmed with the feeling that we so made the right choice. That this is home. I didn't expect that.


I didn't expect to equate the quiet with peace. I thought more along the lines of sleepy and maybe even boring. The buzz of the city, I thought that was keeping me going. But now I wake up to towering trees in our yard, creating a giant canopy of gently filtered sun, the song of a morning dove and a gentle breeze. I can hear the leaves in that breeze.





Not the freeway, or airplanes or even the familiar sounds of weekend activities on Lake Nokomis. Those were wonderful city sounds to be sure, but I know now I was ready for some peace.


In the city there is always someone around. Always. Coming and going by foot, plane and car. No city ever really sleeps. I needed a break from the constant barrage of hundreds of thousands of human beings tossing their energy about. But I didn't realize it until about 4 days into this adventure. On day 4 I saw the darkest night sky I've seen in years and felt an entire community settle down and rest. And I'm pretty sure I felt my soul settle down and rest too.


Now...I sleep in late, because I don't wake up here. Liam sleeps all night. From the moment we first stepped foot in this house, he has been home. On our first visit he ran into the giant office and said "I'M HOME!" Babies are creepy smart that way, they feel all energies and they know.


And now I know.


My yard knows I'm here and it's trying so hard to show me the potential it has. Because of the late summer move, the yard was left to fend for itself until we got here. It was overgrown and sad. It was afraid it had been abandoned. But my other mother and I spent an early morning sunrise cleaning it out. 5 lawn bags full of neglect. And it is sooooo grateful.


My yard is speaking to me.


Look what I can do! Here is one tiny tomato plant in the big empty garden plot.



And one stalk of sweet corn!



You like raspberries? Here you go!




This yard knew I was sad to not grow food for my family this year. Sad that I threw down wild flowers in the dirt that last year grew a bumper crop of peppers.


So it grew me a flower.



And a treat for my baby.

From August 10 2011 blog

And here...use this in your salsa.



And hiding under this mass of vines, running the entire length of my backyard? Concord grapes.



I guess I will make jelly this year.


I'm sleepy.


Cue some Patrick Watson and hit the hay. You won't regret it. Start with this:





XOXOXOXOXOXO

the wheels on the bus are falling off

Here is an interesting little thing I've learned about me and my kids since my loving husband has moved to South Dakota ahead of us.  Without his patriarchal presence, there are no boundaries when it comes to the momma's personal space.  My bed, my bathroom, the 1 foot space behind my office chair...are all open game to a child placing themselves in the space around me.  It is simultaneously beautiful and maddening.


I hate not having my husband present.  I had forgotten how crazy I am without him to calm me down and give me some perspective.  When we are together, it's ying and yang baby.   This life we have created, runs well only when we are a team.  Everything is overwhelming when going it alone.  Well not everything...but clogged sinks, drippy outside faucet are.  Water features with broken pumps that now appear to only function as a breeding ground for mosquitoes make me feel as if the wheels are falling off the bus.  Because normally, he would be here to work his boy magic and I wouldn't have to worry about them. 


I want my husband back.  I want my wife gig back!


I remind my self that in three weeks this will all be over. We will be together, in our new home (goosebumps!)  And when that happens there will be part of me that misses the anticipation, the excitement and adrenaline that goes with big change like this.  The house in Vermillion is like the mother of all Christmas presents...just waiting to be unwrapped.  And I'm the little girl that sneaks down every morning to shake it, trying to figure out what exactly is inside.  I don't know yet what our stuff looks like in that house or what our lives will look like, but I soon will.

I'll take what's behind door #624 Monty! 

At whats coming...well it's almost more than I can wrap my head around.  For the first time in my adult life, I will be living near my mom.  She will be living less than an entire day's drive from her grandbabies. There will be pop ins and calls that go something like "hey we are going for a walk after dinner, wanna come?"  The pictures here will completely change. We will be interwoven into the fabric our each other's daily lives.  Yup...can't wrap my head around it.


In the meantime, I'm all over the map, trying to stay organized on all fronts.  Work, babies, house, packing, new house, new job.  What is getting lost in all this is time for this blog, which is fine, it's a hectic time.  But all this stress, excitement and change only creates more thoughts, more things to say.  But there is no time and all day long I think of things to write, tuck them away into a safe part of my brain.  And just as I suspected those many months ago, they often disappear as I lose the nightly battle with sleep, crawling from my desk chair to the office couch.


My "edit posts" page is an outstanding list of two to three sentence observations, designed to trigger some blog post I stored away.  Reading them alone is hilarious.  When summer is over and life starts to settle into a quiet, peaceful, South Dakota routine, it will be fun to see if those blurbs inspire the blog posts they are intended to.  Or will they simply be random thoughts, discarded for newer, shinier ones?


This summer's soundtrack is made up of The Tallest Man on Earth, Bon Iver, Feist and Fitz & The Tantrums.  I <3 life soundtracks.  Life soundtracks are my absolute favorite.  The organic way the music weaves itself into the fabric of your life.  For that snapshot in time, it is permanently part of the memory.  Fire up a little Hall & Oats and I'm mowing the lawn at the farm with my first walkman on.  Aldo Nova...and I'm choreographing my first dance...on roller skates.  Aldo Nova = frozen Charleston chews and bright white skates with a pink puff on the toe.  Sheriff "When I'm With You" = totally devastating junior high love.  Radio dedications and slow dancing so close you melt into each other.  ~sigh~


This topic needs it's own blog post.


So the soundtrack to the summer is in place and the slide show in my head...the flickering reel to reel of the summer of 2011 looks like this:











It's all there. The long cold spring, packing, grandma visits, birthday, clearance end cap pools and interpretive dance in the kitchen. The official drink of the summer of 2011 is the Leinenkugel's Summer Sampler Pack...cans. Because they stay cooler longer in the summer. Who knew?


The one year anniversary of The Nerd Herd blog is approaching. I miss those lazy days of spare time and emotional purging via blogger. I miss pausing and feeling...communicating. I will be so pleased when the constant tasking is over. Feeling and not just doing. It's happened here and there this summer.  We will find a few more of those moments I'm sure. 


I know better than to wish time away. Even in turmoil, there is beauty.








And interpretive dance in the kitchen.

I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders. ~Jewish Proverb

Such a stunningly peaceful morning.  All the windows open, a cool breeze carrying the last hint of lilac into my office, a toddler content to color on the floor next to me,  a tween sharing a coffee and classical music with me and a teenager blissfully sleeping in.  I'm sure she has heard me knocking around and is just waiting for the knock on her door "Autumn time to get up and get moving."  But there won't be a knock this morning because that would mean the tween and the teen would start their daily bickering rituals and I'm not down for that this morning.


I need as much peace as I can get today because I am on the edge, toes clinging to the side so I don't fall off.  I'm looking down at the chaotic mess below and wondering WTF is going on?  Watching the endless parade of train wreck events truck through our lives and the lives of our friends and family the last 8 months. 

Has it only been 8 months?

I have wondered about the string of perfect days, months, years...the "run" we've been on.  Could it last?  Is there a cosmic price to pay for a series of FORTUNATE events?   I've sensed something creeping up on us, something Grinch like with a menacing grin and rotten heart. But I dismissed it as a built in guilt, compliments of the Catholic church. Guilt for being the beneficiary of far too many blessings.  I sensed it, felt it, but you can't live fearing something "may" happen, so I ignored it. 


But here we are.

And this too shall pass.  What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.   If you're going through hell, keep going.   A bend in the road is not the end of the road... unless you fail to make the turn.  God doesn't give us anything we can't handle.  When life gives you lemons...get a good wheat beer, toss them in and throw it down.  That's what I've been doing this week.

My parents and my soul mate are homeless.  Torn from their beautiful home in a frantic evacuation, fleeing from a man made flood.  Taking everything...EVERYTHING from the house.  Working almost 24 hours a day for 3 days to save whatever they could before leaving.  Ripping up carpet, removing doors and built ins before walking away for 2 months? 6 months?  Not knowing what will remain when they can finally return.  It is true that they are fortunate to have warning, to save their possessions and know they will be safe.  But the price you pay for knowing, is the pain of waiting.  Waiting for your home to be inundated with water and left empty and exposed for months.  Waiting to go back to see if it will again be the home you made together, or if it is gone.


And yes, they are safe, their friends and neighbors are safe.  It is a blessing.  And yes, when it comes down to it, it is just stuff.  But, a house is more than just a big pile of "stuff", it is a home, that holds the lives that pass through it, the energy they leave behind.










Everything leaves an imprint on a home.  Every hug, tear, argument, dance, sprinkling of laughter.  It stays and lives and seasons a home until it is uniquely you.  To have to run away from it unexpectedly is devastating.   To know you are leaving it behind, unable to protect it... heartbreaking.


My parents are strong, resilient people who have never been handed anything. They have taken that "mid western work ethic" and spent their entire lives maxing it out.  Everything they have was gained through sacrifice and unflinching dedication to the entrepreneurial spirit, to their ideas and to their business.  And while others may cling to the rewards of their work with an iron fist, my parents feel blessed and feel a responsibility to share their blessings, to take care of others.  And they do.  And this year more than ever.  It breaks my heart, that after the longest, most painful of winters, my parents will not get to find peace in the new life of spring.  That my mother, who spent 3 days sitting beside her dying sister, waiting for Maria's peace to come, has now spent 3 days deconstructing the home she and my dad built together for 18 years.  3 days of another kind of passing, and now the waiting.


I have spent much of this year being sad.  At the moment, I'm just really frick'n mad.

Troubles are often the tools by which God fashions us for better things.  Allow yourself a moment of grief when life's misfortunes visit you.  However, do not spend your days building a monument in honor of them.  Better to lose count while naming your blessings than to lose your blessings to counting your troubles.  We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival.

But mad is not a productive emotion and I don't linger in mad for very long, because it destroys me.  I prefer to take mad...and turn it into a positive action.  To transform negative energy into a good deed.  The world does not need me to toss "mad" into the universe.    So I'm  off, packing up the kids and going to help my family make a home in a temporary place.  The evacuation is done, but there are a lot of  hugs to give, laughter to be found and plans to make.  There is a future to prepare for.  An incredible future that includes us living in the same area, participating in their grand children's daily lives, building a business, impromptu dinners and shopping trips, morning cups of coffee sitting side by side instead of computer monitor to computer monitor.  


Regardless of what is happening right now, we will not abandon the potential of the future.

  

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.

Some come from ahead and some come from behind.

But I've bought a big bat.  I'm all ready you see.

Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!

~Dr. Seuss

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France

Right now, as I am sitting here typing this, my husband is making himself a super sugary creamy coffee and PB&J for the road.  The brunch of vegetarian champions.

He is hitting the open road, kicking off the first leg of our adventure.  He will pee in a cup today and Monday, he will begin again, a new chapter in his life.  He is so excited, so sure.

In the moments I get cold feet...I just look at him and take in his calm, his peace.  He rarely makes a wrong decision, he is too thorough in his research, too committed to patient contemplation of the facts, the possibilities. He is ready, so I am too.

Liam is going to miss his Daddy.

and their morning rituals.



And Daddy is going to him his Lumowitz. He will be the first to remind me that it's temporary, only a few weeks and that he will be home most weekends. But...he also went out and upgraded our phones so they can send video. And I found a new web cam on my kitchen counter. And just now he told me that he was going to send me a tracking thing for my phone so I know where he is all day.

...it's only a few weeks...

I am playing hookie today. I used a PTO day, but it's more fun for me if I think of it as skipping work. There are very few safe ways to rebel as an adult, but who really shakes the desire to do just that? Rebel against the monotony of adult life...it's a must. I will NOT check my work email again today. CRazY!!! (notice the again....of course I checked it right away this morning ~sigh~)

Bubbles


Smiles


Brandon just left. And I'm still okay. Maybe it is only a few weeks. Maybe it will be nice to be able to sing Summer Breeze 20 times in a row if I want. It WILL be nice:)

This time of year, there is a soundtrack that gets stuck in my head. Every year, and it doesn't change much. It's soft rock of the 70's. It's Sister Golden Hair and Summer Breeze and You Stoned Me. It is my mom's music and it is THE soundtrack to the first half of my life. Poolside, laying on hot cement eating Freezies...the smell of coconut on baking skin. Not until I blast Summer Breeze does the spring/summer truly start. Very few songs make this list, I've added a couple along the way. But the originals still rule supreme.

Take that school! 

Autumn is 14, which means lots of firsts. Her first school sports adventure is softball. She is built like a brick house, but runs like a girl. Limp wrists and flailing arms, like she may break. It makes me crazy. But she hits the ball like she is trying to kill it, so there is hope. When she looks over at me to make sure I'm watching I mouth "ATHLETIC POSITION." The verdict is out on what kind of a sports mom I will be.

She also has her first semi formal tonight!! Dress shopping was exhausting with cries of "I can't zip it up!" over and over again. That poor girl has been blessed in an area no 14 year old girl wants to be blessed. I finally told her that maybe I will just learn how to sew dresses for her. Poor chica. God bless Barrett and Teresa for coming along for support.

PEACE!  was my promise that we would get through the dress shopping. 

She and her friends have asked me to photograph them tonight! I'm sooooo lucky I have even the smallest amount of skill with the camera. It gets me into all the 14 year old stuff:) I've found a way to infiltrate their secret society. Winning.

The yard is done and waiting for a lucky renter to come sit a while and enjoy it's peace.


We all love working in the yard so much. The girls pick and arrange their own flower pots like they are art projects. Well, I suppose they are, why do anything if not to make it beautiful?






So we have this super busy weekend and then it's packing. Oh and one ridiculously fun trip, but more on that later.
I am sure I won't be able to resist another post this weekend, what with the semi formal and all.  Be on the lookout for a teary eyed post from an unusually sentimental momma.  Until then: