super duper grumpy ( you asked for it Lisa E)

It began this morning when I got halfway through my cardio work out and accidentally pulled the emergency stop button which shut down the tread mill.  This wouldn't be such a big stink'n deal except I do this every freaking time.  Every time.  So I have to start over and do math to figure out distance and time and calories.  Mostly just addition or subtraction but it's 5am and I really don't want to do math.  I based my entire major on two things...what do I love and how do I not do math. So...


Also during my run, I lost a battle to ignore the very persistent and worsening pain in my right heal.  I have been dismissing it as a mild case of plantar fasciitis, but there is now significant swelling.  This makes me pissy.  I have finally carved out some time for myself, to work off my lovely lady lumps...and I have aches and pains interfering.


I can't do regular push ups anymore because of my arthritis and carpel tunnel.  And none of this is 40s fault, I've been dealing with this stuff since I turned 30.  


Moving on. I'm not proud to tell you that recently, I went out in public in sweat pants.  Like...shopping.  In sweat pants. Not yoga pants, gray sweat pants.   First time since college and I promise you I don't look as cute in them as I did then.  I wore them because I had to drive to Sioux Falls and they are more comfortable than jeans.  ~~Sigh~~ 


Thus the working out.  


Dressing myself is a special form of hell right now.  Most days I will tell you that I do not regret abandoning healthy eating to inhale burgers, fries and thousands of Chipotle burritos while building my baby boy.  But if you ask me right away in the morning while I'm trying to dress myself...I may punch you in the mouth.  I have just enough meat and grease fat left from my 9 month binge eating extravaganza to make my clothes hang funny on me, but a bigger size looks worse.  It's like I'm borrowing someone else's clothes, everyday.  I know this because my own clothes would never show so much arm fat right?


My pants are 1 inch too short because the junk in my trunk is lifting them up an inch. We have taken to calling them "nerd pants".


Also, now that my beautiful daughters are helping with laundry, all my clothes get dried completely.  So all my work shirts look like barbie shirts and I do a "fat guy in a little coat" impression everyday.  Or...they have shrunk into a lovely short, fat square shape.  The length is an awkward belly button length, the sleeves 3/4 lengthy  and two of me could side by side in the shirt box.


Everyday.  


This is what made me super, duper grumpy this morning.


This is what made that all go away:

• My mom's hysterical laughter as I told her why I was grumpy.
• Baby Marshall screaming at the ceiling fan.
• Submitting LOTS of flex claims just in time to get LOTS of fun money for Christmas shopping.
• Liam running around in tighty whiteys.
• My husband coming home.

Grumpy day over.  Let's look at some pictures:


::


It's no wonder I am so very rarely sponge bob grumpy pants.  


 Sweet Thanksgiving faces
 


 Sweet Thanksgiving rituals. Thankful for having a little boy in my life even if it means a little extra junk in my trunk:) Thankful for all the little extra bits of good stuff that balances out super duper grumpy days.


So much for grumpy, his rule was short lived today. And how did a "grumpy" blog end up being a "thankful" blog?  Easy...see above:)  


G'Night.  XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

thanksgiving eve

It feels good to be this tired and know I'm right at the beginning of a 4 day weekend.  And it's the best kind of tired, tuckered out from a hard day at work.  The worst kind of tired is "i cannot stay asleep past 3am" which I did on Monday.  "Hard work" tired = a beer, a night of guiltless blog stalking, carry out food and falling asleep on the couch watching crappy tv.  Ahhhhhh.


But first, a little Thanksgiving bloggity blog.  This year I thought, rather than reflect on the Thanksgiving holiday 3 days from now, when I'm burned out from traveling and all "holiday road trip tired", I would do a little looking ahead...to what is coming.


An early morning departure, to ensure we arrive at the farm by 1pm.  I love getting up early to hit the road.  Since we moved back to South Dakota, I've seen more stunning sunrises than I can remember.  I've stood on the breaks on the highway, jumped out of the van and taken photos about once a week.  It's the same stretch of road every morning and it if you can make a sunrise date, it never fails to deliver.





I can't tell you now much I look forward to these fall weekends at home.  I'm so in love with our house here.  I still super love our home in Minneapolis, but let's face it...it doesn't have a studio like addition with 25 windows.  I open every blind, make tea, fire up the computer and wait for the sun to come up.  So I'm looking forward to a few more of these before this view is blanketed in white.





No snow yet in the tropical southern most tip of South Dakota.  I told my husband winter is weird here, more freezing rain than snow and when the snow comes, it tries to kill you via travel. Then it melts.  And then the freezing rain again and so it goes and so it goes.  So far, just one day of freezing rain.  The rest is still gorgeous fall romps in the leaves. So far.


 
 Remember the wonderful canopy of leaves I wrote about when we first arrived?  The show those trees put on this fall has been pretty incredible.  Walls of leaves almost as tall as Annika, 60 bags worth.  Trying to keep up with the blizzard of fall leaves is futile.  Rather than beat them...we opted to just join them.


And really, that is all one should do in the fall. Work a little, play alot...before winter sets in and things like sewing, art projects and game nights take over. So much to look forward to,but we let's not rush into things, we must stay present so as not to miss a thing.





There just isn't anything more important than your "people", whoever that is for each of us.  And that is what I am most thankful for this year.  My people.  My family people, my work people, my small people, new people, old people.  I need them all and appreciate them all so much.  I appreciate YOU so much.  This little blog hit over 10,500 page views this week...crazy.  


 


I am also thankful for this superman t-shirt. I cannot wash it fast enough.  I would put this on him everyday if it weren't so strange to do so.  What is it about this shirt?  
 


It's time for the "fall asleep on the couch watching deliciously crappy TV" portion of the night.  We never make time to watch TV so when I have this opportunity I relish it!  Here's to hoping there is a marathon of SVU on:)


If you travel tomorrow, I pray you have a safe journey.  Be Thankful, do your best, eat chocolate, laugh, smile, smell the flowers, sip wine, love deeply & bask in the sun.  


XOXOXOXOXO!

40

hump day nuggets: little bits of the season in photos and words about the last week.  Encouraged to steal this idea from Dig This Chick because she is awesome blossom. 

Actually, these are birthday nuggets.  My 40th birthday nuggets.  And easily the most special nuggets yet.  

I'm not sure how other women feel about turning 40.  I've never asked someone.  I know that for some reason the retail/ commercial image of turning 40 includes lots of black decor and really awful naked 20 year old men cards mocking your inability to score them because you are..old. Funny...I seem to be scoring all over the place with my 20 something man. ~blush~

I have been super excited about my 40s for a long time.  True story.  Even in my 20's when I was fully and blissfully submerged in college life, I knew my 40's would be better.  The later part of my 20's was a brutal reality check after the never never land that is college.  Really far away from home for the first time should have been an adventure, but with a baby on board and a low paying job it was more like survival.  I knew FOR SURE my 40's would be better.

I never thought about my thirties really.  Not until I reached my 30th birthday and hit a wall of disappointment.  For the entire week of my birthday I suffered a early life crisis.  I had not gone to law school, or lived in a van while traveling the country, or moved to another country or done a tour with the Peace Corps.  I had two kids and a divorce on my life resume.  I did not give myself credit for building a career or surviving a divorce with a strong relationship with my x husband in tact or the beautiful human beings I had brought into the world.  Nope, for that week, I was a total, miserable failure.  

And then... it was over.  And what replaced my pitty party was absurd drive and determination to do everything myself always.  To never need anyone to provide emotional or financial support ever again and I would be the master of my universe at all costs.  

This was good.  It was the only way I survived until 35.  It was not very conducive to having any relationships and today I formally apologize to anyone who was trying so hard to be close to me then.  I was a terrible friend.  But I was taking care of business, bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan.  I wrapped my arms around my girls and my job and kept them close to me in my hard candy shell.  Brandon was there, but I worked very hard to protect him from responsibility, not because he shied away from it, but because I had to do it myself...for myself.

Looking back I wonder what his perspective is on that time.  I've never asked him.  I've asked him why he stayed.  Apparently, he knew, we were his family. 

It was around 35 that I remembered I had my 40's to look forward to and when I really started to fantasize about how glamorous and sexy my 40s would be.  How I'd have all my shit together, my emotional shit and my financial shit.  I'd have a home I owned and cars that were paid for.  I wouldn't live on credit cards between checks and I'd be at the top of my career. 

I would love and be loved.  I would be open to any and all levels of friendship.  I would be a good friend, a thoughtful friend.  I would be confident and secure.  

Guess what.  I was right.  I'm 40 today and it's all true.  It's even better.  It's better because from 35 to today, I learned to ask for help.  I've learned to put my heart in someone else's care and trust it would be nurtured and protected.  I've learned that time with my family, working in a garden, canning and video games make me happy.  I've discovered photography and writing.  I learned to cry in front of people, both in moments of joy and sadness, something my 30 year old self would have seen as weak. As a matter of fact, I've cried more in the last 5 years than in the previous 35 years combined, and I'm the happiest I've ever been.  Life is crazy.

I'm still learning to be a good friend. Hang in there, those of you still trying so hard...it's coming along. 

Thank you, all of you who loved me through my 20s and 30s, especially those who kept telling me this day would come.  Who believed for me for those years in my 30s when I doubted.  And thank you to those of you who have found me now, later in our lives.  Those shiny new friendships and old friendships renewed are my growth now. Such beautiful people!

Birthday Nuggets baby.  Best...birthday...ever.

::



My people came to celebrate.  They surprised me at work.  They said they came to celebrate me and that the theme for the weekend would be:

"Life is messy, but you make it beautiful"

Surprise birthday weekend events followed suite:

beautifully lazy mornings

favorite cupcakes from favorite city bakery

spot on music mix

big family dance party

Surly

Jewelry

Brother/Sister tattoos 

This is the "Life is Messy" necklace that inspired the tattoos.  And like the tattoo, it may never come off my body:

Awesome toddler sleep over!

My people.

And it's only 2pm on this, the day of my birth.  There just may have to be more nuggets tomorrow.  With my people...you never know. 

Happy 40th to me & happy day to you.  XOXOXOXOXOXOXO  

rambling flow of thought and speech

From Desk Reference to the Diagnostic Criteria from DSM-3-R (American Psychiatric Association, 1987):

Caffeine-Induced Organic Mental Disorder 305.90 Caffeine Intoxication

1. Recent consumption of caffeine, usually in excess of 250 mg. -  
2. At least five of the following signs:
   1. restlessness   
   2. nervousness 
   3. excitement
   4. insomnia  
   5. flushed face 
   6. diuresis
   7. gastrointestinal disturbance  
   8. muscle twitching
   9. rambling flow of thought and speech  
   10. tachycardia or cardiac arrhythmia  
   11. periods of inexhaustibility
   12. psychomotor agitation
3. Not due to any physical or other mental disorder, such as an Anxiety Disorder.

For three hours last Wednesday, I thought I was going crazy.  I sat on the floor of my basement with Liam.  He played cars and I cried.  At first he would hug me and say "oh baby."  But after about an hour, he just brought all his toys next to his mess of a mother in the middle of the floor, and played quietly.  


But I wasn't going crazy.  I was in the throws of a coffee house opening induced caffeine overdose.  The list is an accurate description of me those three hours.  By the time Brandon got home, I had convinced myself I could not go upstairs, because there was too much up there.  Too many responsibilities, too much noise, a cell phone that wouldn't shut up.  But the basement was quiet and peaceful, full of nothing but toys, my baby boy and me.   

rambling flow of thought and speech 

This dominated my caffeine psychosis and was the reason I just knew I had snapped and would never go back to being a fully functioning person.  There was no flow or organization of my thoughts. A flood of fears, spilling forth in tears and words.     Some completely irrational, some logical but out of my control (think...meteors slamming into earth) and some very raw fears of suddenly dying, leaving behind the people and life I love so much.


I felt deep sadness.


I felt lonely.

rambling flow of thought and speech 

My dear husband listened to me for an hour.  His always calming way brought some quiet to my mind and slowly, perspective returned. 

I don't know if everything happens for a reason, but I feel like it's true.  It may have been the caffeine overdose that started this flow of thought and speech.  But it DID start it, this purge.  And I feel a little lighter, having shed 3 hours of tears and sharing that rambling flow of thought and speech with my husband.  


This is my first experience with grief and the grieving process.  I had no idea there were so many levels to pass through on the way to a new normal.  That so many thoughts and feelings would become intertwined and pull new ones to the surface to deal with.  


I have always had a wicked hard candy shell to protect me from this stuff.  But this year has exposed a major crack in my armor.  Try as I might, I can no longer push aside feeling uncomfortable emotions, they will find me whether I like it or not.  And that is good.


::


Since my big OD I've experienced some old school peace.  Not the kind of the last year, hard earned and scarce.  
Nope, this was good old fashioned look up find it everywhere.  
Peace in:

Puppy eyes

Fall 

 

Winterizing the garden

Finding the perfect costume for Liam

Babies in Halloween costumes

Planning spring's colors Firing up the sewing machine And this...is the view from my home everyday.  

Here is to hoping you are all looking up and finding your own versions of peace everyday.  XOXOXOXO

You know what is NOT peaceful? Crazy formatting><  My apologies for the terrible spacing in tonight's post, but I cannot waste anymore brain power trying to fix it.