So I'm moving along through December, making cookies, shopping online, snapping photos and enjoying my Christmas jams when I realize that I hadn't had a "short" moment in almost 20 days. I was totally and completely present. I didn't review photos or write a single word beyond the occasional status update. It felt good to neglect everything but my family and Christmas tasks. It has been quite some time since days have flowed together so effortlessly and I've felt tears of joy well up in my eyes. The ride through each day took me to a place in my heart that desperately needed the visit.
Sometimes my husband looks over to find happy tears coming. It used to happen quite often. A peaceful snowy Sunday snowed in with the kids, a good video game and chili on the stove could overwhelm my heart with gratitude. For a husband who shares the exact same interests and for kids who love to spend time at home, with their family. Daughter's who sew with me or beg to play hearts. A little man who insists his dad keep his Superman jammie pants on for an entire Saturday. Such good stuff.
Over the last year, I was very careful to protect my heart from fully breaking. I tread lightly in all emotions for fear sadness would take root permanently. When you do that, it works but the price is that joy and gratitude get through in small doses as well. And in recent years, those are the two emotions that have driven my creativity, my photography and writing, my mothering style and dictating what kind of wife, daughter and friend I strive to be. Joy and gratitude for my unbelievable life.
But December 2011 may go down as the month of tears of gratitude. Something happened, my heart opened up and accepted whatever the universe offered. Of course there was the deep punching pain of our first Christmas without Maria...as expected. But I was shocked to find so much peace in just thinking about her, in recalling our last holiday with her.
I allowed myself to feel it all, and was rewarded with peace.
Here is something my husband hears a few Sundays a year..."I'm just going to stay up as late as I can with you and be wiped out at work tomorrow. I just want to keep this going." Sometimes, the fleeting 48 hours of a weekend are so painfully precious that I fight to stretch it out until only a death like sleep can take them away from me.
He heard that every weekend in December. I've spent a lot of tired days at work, but a girl has got to have priorities.
My priorities:
Her first formal.
Homemade Christmas gifts.
Christmas cookie marathons
Skipping family photos so that Liam can explore the set instead.
When the dancing starts, cookies get pushed wayyyyyyyyyyyyy down the priority list.
Getting to Brandon's family was the highest priority this year. Between my need to be close to my family for support and healing, the packing and moving and building a new life in South Dakota, we have been far too absent. Upon reflection, we realized that it had been a year since we had all been together at their house. We took time off to ensure we could spend 2 full days. As we drove north my husband spoke excitedly about the upcoming weekend, how pleased he was with finding the perfect gifts and how he was going to insist that I relax. Really relax. And sleep in late (I did) and unplug (I did) and just be together.
As much as I love my husband's feet, this is about my awesome new Christmas jammies.
And this is about awesome new flash cards from Grandma.
New babies in the family.
Laughter, sweet, precious laughter.
My mother in law's home is always ...home. perfectly manicured for every season but not over done.
Liam is finally old enough to really get Kimass. It blew his mind that we were letting him...in deed encouraging him, to rip apart pretty paper and tear open boxes. And even crazier, that inside each of these were trucks & super hero "guys" & books & tools and...oh my.
It was perfect. From start to finish.
Well, almost. Mother nature took the year off, she must still be recovering from the show she put on last winter. I miss the snow.
But back to some faces I love in places I love:
And then we came home to do it all again in our home with my family.
So...that is the mother of all holiday posts. In re-reading it, I realize all that really happened is that we did what most people do this time of year. See a little more beauty, become a little more generous and kind, offer more smiles, laugh a little more and make "getting there" a priority. It was good.
I think we'll keep it going.
Happy New Year to you and yours. XOXOXOXOXO
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